Accept Yourself

This was first written some years ago. I found it again, and did a little updating. I can't remember that I've posted it anywhere in the past. If I have, I apologize for redundancy. 

 I fear the words “accept yourself” have become background noise. Don’t feel like people like you? Accept yourself. Struggling with things from the past? Accept yourself. Upset by someone else’s problems? Accept yourself. The restaurant is out of guacamole? Accept yourself.

 

Many of us say that we are in no position to give thoughts on this subject. Accepting ourselves is something we’ve struggled with for years. But then again, perhaps we have more wisdom than we think. After all, who would you rather take with you into battle: a new recruit or a seasoned soldier? You are probably a seasoned soldier already and my little thoughts here will be old news to you. You need not read further.

 

To those of you who do care to keep plugging away, the words “accept yourself” are possibly some of the best advice you will ever receive. However, it seems that throughout the last several years a problem has developed. People no longer are looking at the deep implications and meaning they hold. Instead, the words are so common and thrown about so freely, people don’t even really know what they mean. They hold little more weight than the once popular quote “Live, Laugh, Love”. Accepting yourself is a mystery, and somehow it seems we’ve lost all clue how to solve it.

 

The first mistake a new recruit often makes is  thinking that accepting ourselves means one chooses to love everything about oneself. We think we can build a wall of protection around ourselves, guarding who we are with phrases like “I don’t care what you think," "self-love," and "don't judge me." We believe that self-acceptance is as simple as wearing a hot pink wig to attend a wedding if that is what we feel like doing. That, friend, is not self- acceptance.

 

I have come to believe, and I am willing to be corrected, that accepting yourself goes much deeper than wearing hot pink wigs (or any other color for that matter.) You must first begin the journey for yes, it is a journey, by being completely honest with yourself. You must face the real you. You must not close your eyes to either the good or the bad. You have been created by an all-loving God. He has given you weaknesses which he plans to refine, and strengths which he plans to use for others. You must accept both. Be willing to admit that the person who loves children and the person who is not all that self-denied are both you. Accepting this does not give you license to make excuses for your faults or brag about your talents. This is merely a declaration, a statement a bit like the ingredient list on the back of a bag of chips.

 

Once you can identify yourself, your faults and your strengths, you are in the position to take the next step. The next step is where you bravely venture out, letting others learn to know who you really are. This is a major leap, and it will feel like it takes approximately 3,748 metric tons of vulnerability. Exact measures are difficult to come by. In this frame of mind, you will need to make decisions based on the kind of person you wish to become. Of course, this will be different for different people. As Christians, most will base their decisions on a desire to serve God. This does not mean you choose a path and say, “Who cares what everybody thinks!” What it does mean is that you are aware and willing to admit to yourself that you do care what others think. Yes, I know, it sounds counter-productive, but hear me out. Since you are now in a position to be honest, you have accepted the good and ugly about yourself, and you have admitted you care what others think, you no longer have any pretenses that you are trying to live up to. You no longer have to worry that the charade you have tried in the past to live out is going to come crashing down around your ears. You are on a solid foundation.

 

With this solid foundation in place, you are now able to make your choice, not because you tell yourself you don’t care what others think, but in spite of what they think. The strength of complete honesty with yourself will give you the power to stick with what you believe is right, even though your decision may not be a popular one.

 

Another benefit you will notice in accepting yourself is that you really will be able to accept others in a more complete way. Now that you have accepted that you are not perfect and never will be, you will be able to see others as a work of art in progress as well. Their flaws will not look so much more terrible than your own. Your critical spirit toward others will begin to crack. To your amazement, you will see flowers blooming out of the cracks and realize you’ve been missing the true beauty of those around you because you have obscured it with the absurd walls you have built to protect yourself.

 

One last note: don’t expect this to be a one-time-fix. Many artists have said that they are never done with a painting, there are always more things they could change. I think that this very understanding, that you will struggle with this, possibly occasionally, perchance frequently, should give you courage. Courage because if you are willing to fight the battle it will keep you real. 

Remember the newly recruited soldier? He has dreams in his head of how the battle will go. Those dreams aren’t real. He will face situations in the future that tempt him to believe he is a failure. But the seasoned soldier? He’s been in the trenches. He’s seen the blood, heard the cries of the wounded. He knows war for what it is. He is real. He chooses to fight, not because he's made no mistakes, but because he knows that this is his responsibility. Being true is the greatest service he can do, not only to save his own life, but to help those he loves. The fight is real. His ambitions honest. Hope glows in his heart.

 

And it is for that realness, that honesty, that I, too, am striving. I don’t have all the answers. I am in the battlefield. I hope you will join me.

Deserts

     I’ve been thinking about deserts lately. There are many people wandering near a desert in a land of crippling fear. They long for nothing more than to be whole, but to find the stream of healing or the well of salvation they will have to cross a great expanse of nothing but sun and sand. Many aren’t certain where the water source is located. To most, the desert looks too terrifying to embark upon alone. They are sure they will die before they reach the source of miracles.
    This is where the rest of us come in. Each of us has our own gifts to offer. Some may offer a map, others encouraging words, still others might send a bottle of water with the traveler. And often someone will have it laid on their heart to travel across the desert with seeker. It is these companions who often face the greatest challenge. Because their eyes are not clouded with fear and memories of the past, they are able to see the way much more clearly. To them, it seems obvious which direction to travel.
    In an over-zealous attempt to help, these companions sometimes race ahead so far toward the source that the person they are trying to help gets lost in the spray of sand, unable to make their crippled feet run at the same rate as the healthy person ahead of them. There are other times where the companion grabs the hand of the person they are trying to help and pulls them toward the goal. “Can’t you see it?” they say, “It’s right there! Just look!” But the seeker cannot see that far, and the companion soon becomes exhausted from all the tugging and pulling, and the two crumple exhausted on the desert floor, neither with strength left to continue.
    There is another scenario. Perhaps the saddest of all. Sometimes the companion forgets that each must find the way for themselves, that they are only there to walk with the seeker. In an attempt to be the best companion they could ever be, they march in front of the seeker, plowing towards the Great Source of Life. Sometimes they even reach the well, and they urge the seeker to drink. But the seeker cannot. For in the great desire to help, the companion has placed himself between the seeker and the well. The seeker has no strength left to go around the companion. They love the companion, after all, and want to follow where they are directing. But the companion stands in the path, their presence keeping the Source from doing His healing work.
    What, then, is the job of the companion? We must remember it is not our job to set the pace. It is not our job to do all the work. It is not our job to get between the seeker and God, trying with our limited wisdom to lead. Our job is so much simpler.
    Just because it is simple does not mean it is easy. When you love someone, it is difficult to step back and let them find their way. We see the agony they are going through and we want to hurry their journey to joy. But we need to relax. We are there to walk with them. We are there to encourage, to sometimes give advice, but we are not there to take over the journey. We dare not stand between the man in the desert and the well. We do not walk ahead, but beside.
    God has ordained choice since creation. We, as companions, must be careful not to give the impression we are taking away that freedom. We must love with the love of our Father. Love that is willing to let go. Love that knows loving is painful, but chooses that pain with joy.
    And as we step back, walk with, and offer support, the chances actually increase of the seeker finding the well and plunging into the healing stream. They will be stronger and more surefooted for having found the Source in the timing of the Father. They will be able to walk through future wastelands with more confidence.
    And someday, both the seeker and the companion will walk together in another land, where there is not desert, but golden streets. Where the beating sun is replaced by the light and love of the Father’s Son. Where joy will never end.
    It doesn’t matter if you are the seeker or the companion. Sometimes, perhaps, we are a little bit of each. Both can reach the well, both will find it expedient to bathe in the stream. Do not fear the journey. It is the most hopeful thing you can ever undertake.
    Sending each one of you love and courage!