It's My Job

This was written a number of years ago, and I thought about it again as I'm privileged to re-enter a classroom.

I’ve been in this business for years now.  There have been changes since I first started: different employers, different co-workers, different places of business. There are days that leave me flushed and exhilarated with a rare kind of energy, and there are days I feel like quitting.  Sometimes it seems as though the latter outnumber the former.  The hours are long, for my contract does not give a certain time allotment—rather it gives a job and I am to do it regardless of the amount of time it takes.  And the paycheck?  Well, to be honest I probably can’t even tell you the exact amount, but I certainly can list benefits.

Oh, some people have mistaken ideas about the benefits.  They seem to think that being a “Teacher” gives one a higher social standing and independence. These are generally the same people who forget the sacrifices a teacher makes: being away from home and family, arriving late to youth because there is school work to be done (sometimes skipping youth altogether), living in a fishbowl where private details of her life become part of lively gossip, and the fact that few teachers are warned before taking on the job that indeed they will need to be expert in several areas besides only that of teaching.

One part of my job as a teacher is to be a nurse.  I can feel a child’s forehead and predict whether the thermometer will show a temperature or not.  I’m an expert on sore stomachs, growing pains, and hang nails.  I know what to do for twisted ankles, headaches, and splinters.  And you should see me applying bandages like a pro. I am also fairly knowledgeable about dentistry and tooth fairies.

I could probably obtain my psychology degree with little or no trouble.  I know how to give a well-timed hug, explain that life isn’t fair, talk fast enough to keep a child from having time to think of crying, and discern what is going on in a child’s mind without even turning to look at him.  I know how to comfort in the face of loss, encourage in the midst of hopelessness, and meet a strong will head on.  I know the difference between a child who knows he deserves punishment and a child who was innocent of the seriousness of his crime.

I am definitely a formidable one person police force.  I watch out for lies, cheating, treachery, stealing, fighting, and hate crimes.  I know how to stack up clues and see where they point (as in: “Hmmm… someone broke a red pen, and I see red ink on your hands.”) I can direct traffic, manage lines, and command silence with a single blast on my whistle.  And I am certainly good at saying “Raise your hands, and raise them up high!”

My sanitation expertise may be questioned by some, but may I remind you that I say “clean out your desk”, “empty the trash”, and “go wash your hands” several times every day.  Occasionally I inspire desk cleaning by making it a game to see how full we can get the trash can and letting someone climb inside to pack it down.  Other times (like PTM) I hope the desks aren’t clean so mom and dad can get a true picture when I ask them to do desk check on their child.

I am sometimes called upon to be a hairdresser when one of my girls’ braid comes undone or someone in the throes of an art project gets paint in his hair. 

I am a shopper.  I shop for birthday cards, Christmas gifts, art project supplies, gift wrapping, story hour and devotion books, bulletin board supplies, and trash cans for beside my students’ desks.

My job also requires me to be a financial analyst.  Will the school board think the expense of these supplies necessary, or shall I take them out of my own wages? 

I’m a fairly good referee, though I’m afraid the NBA wouldn’t hire me.    I am also considered to be about the same thing as Google by many of my students.  I've even been known to give advice on romance.  Oh, and I am also a top-notch artist, author, and calligrapher, though I think these last are because I am always telling my class to “draw the best you can”, “write what you think happened”, and “use your best handwriting”.

I am also a public relations specialist.  I have to learn to communicate with the children, their parents, and the school board.  Admittedly, I sometimes think this is the hardest part of the job.  But I have chosen this job, so I choose not to complain, but to accept this responsibility and do my best to grow in my communication skills.

There are so many parts of my job, I can’t list them all.  I have been called Mom, Daddy, Aunt, Grandpa, and Nana.  I’ve even been called Teacher.  It’s this last one, “teacher”, that touches every other part of my job.  

Only a teacher knows what it means to see light finally dawn in a child’s eyes as he figures out how to work a long division problem.  Only a teacher knows the joy of watching a child learn to read.  Only a teacher knows what it is like to hear a lunch-time prayer: “And help us to be good on the playground and not fight” when it has been a problem lately.  Only a teacher knows the thrill of watching a child look up ants in the world book and get side tracked reading about aircraft.  

Teachers have to clean up messes when children get sick.  Teachers have to give consequences again and again.  Teachers have to make sure the children obey, because they know boundaries will make the child feel secure, even though the student may get angry in the moment.  Teachers go to work when they are sick (because it’s more work to get a sub—plus they caught the bug from the children; everyone else has been exposed anyhow), when they are tired, when they have headaches, when they are in emotional upheaval and want to go hide under the covers, and when they would rather be going to a friend’s wedding.  But then I have to remember:  This is my job—my chosen job—my God-given job—and I wouldn’t trade it.

While other career women go home at 5:00 and relax, throwing off their professional demeanor, I must remember that everywhere I go I may be observed—if a teacher can do it, then so can anyone else.  While other occupations have off for lunch, I spend my lunch period settling disputes, warming up forgotten lunches in the microwave, teaching students to eat food even if they don’t like it, listening to their stories and asking them questions about the world around them—do you know what kind of bird that is?  Do you see that plane?  What do you think is going to happen today in our story hour book?

Next time when someone asks me my job, I’m not going to say “I’m just a teacher” and give a little sigh.  I’m going to smile and say “I’m a teacher, and it’s amazing!”  Because it’s true.  God knew I would need a job to help teach me consistency.  He knew I needed a job that would be an outlet for my creativity.  He knew I would need to be surrounded by the innocence of children and work on gaining the patience of a saint.  He knew I needed a job that would continually challenge me and force me to learn.  He knew I would need to be pushed out of my comfort zone.  

Not everyone I interact with thinks I am the most wonderful teacher, but I am part of a community that is so full of love and support that I cannot be thankful enough for all they do for me.  Touching a life in any little way I can is a blessing that is hard to put into words and one of the best gifts I've ever been given, my life as a teacher.

Ode to a Trash Can

 I have very good memories of after-school talks with my fellow teachers. There have been moments of hilarity, true heart-sharing (maybe tears), and, on occasion, just silent togetherness.

We have gathered camellia blossoms from the house across the road, roamed around outside watching a tornado in the distance, removed and hid desk drawers from an unsuspecting teacher’s desk, given (perhaps unwanted?) advice on how to make iced coffee, and decorated an entire classroom with string and old fabric pieces. That last one ended rather badly. Mr. Hiebert, Mrs. Faircloth, or used-to-be Miss Koehn can give you the details if you really want to know.

But there was one afternoon we did something a little different.

It was program time and the microphones had been set up for the impending performance. That day, the after-school meeting turned into an impromptu talent show. There were recitations and solos. Some were more adept than others at standing in front of a mic and performing to a nearly-empty auditorium. I can’t tell you everything that happened that day, but I do remember one item in particular.

It was an ode to the school trash can. There were grand gestures and eloquent words in regards to the faithful steadfastness of said object. The years of service were lauded in passionate phrases, the patient suffering at the hands of messy children was commented upon, and the red roundness of the sturdy lid was praised. It was a creative display of improvisation at its finest. I wish someone had taken down the ode as it was first uttered. But magical moments are rarely captured in their entirety for posterity.

I was thinking about the trashcan again today. There have been many times, upon depositing garbage in a receptacle, that I have remembered the day of the ode and smiled to myself. But the true value of the ode only just dawned on me.

Taking time to notice and value something commonplace still affects my thoughts years later. It’s not a big deal, right? Just a humble trash can. But because someone once pointed out all the good a trashcan does, I now am less likely to take one for granted.

This is why it is so important to pause and take notice of other things around us, too.

Sometimes these things may seem tiny. Perhaps it’s the way the dew hangs on a spiderweb and makes you catch your breath at the delicate drops suspended there. Maybe it’s a certain cloud in the sky that’s colored in a way you’ve never seen before. Or it might be noticing the particular notes of a birdsong that make you smile as you walk to your car. It could be something as unglamorous as your favorite dishcloth, the one that is so satisfying to use.

What happens when you take time to actually appreciate these things? You remember them longer. You hold a moment of happiness in your heart for the day. Your thoughts are turned toward the Creator.

If you’re like me, you can get lost in your own head sometimes. You might forget to take note of the world around you because there’s a chore list of unreasonable length you’re trying to work your way through. Sometimes your fears, doubts, and negative self-talk are so rampant you completely forget to look outside yourself, and those little moments of sunshine slip past, entirely disregarded.

It takes conscious effort to live grounded in the moment. You may have to practice to learn to notice the creation around you, and that’s OK. The important part is that you put in the effort.

And what if we extend this to bigger things?

What happens when you take time to appreciate people around you? When you stoop down and look into a child’s eyes and relish the sparkle as they tell you a story? What about the moment you notice someone that always has good things to say about others, or the person who is quick to volunteer when there is a need?

Taking notice of these things will stick with you, too. It will help you to see others in a more positive light. You will find that you don’t ever quite view them the same as you have in the past. When you are tempted with a negative thought towards them, you can remind yourself of the good you have noticed.

But finding the positives in those around us might be the most challenging exercise of noticing yet.

I have special memories of a night spent laying on a blanket looking at the stars with friends while we went through the whole youth group and each said something we appreciated about every member of it. I have notebooks stashed away with lists of my students and the things I liked about them. There are even a few lists of schoolboard members and the gifts I noticed as they did their best to fill their place.

Taking time to notice and internalize the many wonders around us and the blessings we notice in others are important components to learning to balance the internal and external. Maybe you find it easy to get stuck in your feelings. Finally, everything inside is one big tangled ball of confusion. Taking a moment to say facts you can be sure of can be stabilizing. Verbalizing the things you observe helps you to take up space in the present.

I believe appreciating the mundane and recognizing value in the miracle of God’s creation is another way to honor and praise our Creator.

So I challenge you to slow down and look for those things around you that you can thank Him for, even if it’s an ode to a trash can.

WOTY

 It’s that time of year again.

The time of year where people sit down with a notebook and a pencil nub or a pen nearly out of ink and write down their list of New Year’s Resolutions. It has been many years since I made a list of resolutions. I quit when I realized how unlikely I was to keep them. Statistically, only 8-10% of people keep their New Years Resolutions, and I am not in that number.

However, one of my friends introduced me to Word of the Year, and I’ve found that to be a blessing. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it here before, but if you’re not familiar with Word of the Year (commonly referred to by the acronym WOTY), you should definitely give it a try. I’m not sure where the true origin of the idea is, but it’s a small, basic act that may have a big impact. You simply choose a word to be your guiding light for the year. Maybe something you want to pursue, maybe something you desire to have more of, maybe a word that reminds you to take action.

Some people choose amazing and colorful words. One of my sisters always chooses nouns—like dove (for peace), fire (for passionate living) and sunshine (for finding joy), then keeps an eye out for things that fit with her theme for the year. I’m a little jealous of her, because it’s so neat when she finds something physical that reminds her of what she wants to work on.

I have historically chosen boring words, simple and straight to the point, but I’d like to tell you a little bit about them.

The first word I ever chose was Compose in 2021. It was also the most beautiful word I’ve ever selected. The idea was that I wanted to arrange (compose) my life into something beautiful. I hoped to look at the pure act of living each moment as a work of art. 2021 turned out to be the year God reminded me to hand everything over to Him, let Him make decisions in my life, and let any composition be by Him and for Him.

In 2022, I chose Faith. Maybe I had an inkling at the beginning of the year what part faith would play in my life, but I didn’t know exactly how much my mustard-seed of faith would be tested. 2022 was a year of a lot of changes and what looked like dead-end streets and unknowns. But how does faith grow and expand if it’s not exercised?

My WOTY was Lighthearted for 2023. It felt like 2022 had drained me completely and I’d spent so much time among heavy decisions and occupations, I needed to learn how to laugh again. I’m not sure that I utilized my word as much as I should have in that year, but I definitely thought of it whenever I found myself laughing with pure delight. God also talked to me about using my word to mean “lightening my heart” which could be done by learning to share my burdens with others.

The theme felt like it stayed a bit connected to lighthearted as I entered 2024. I chose the word Hope. It seemed there were a lot of dim and dark things in my life, and I wanted to remember to keep looking up. 2024 was not an easy year. My ambition to find hope was sorely tested. My thoughts went back to 2022 and how faith only grew in trial. Hope seemed a little the same way.

2025 was a new year, and I was ready for a change. I chose the word Fearless. I am a tremendously fearful person, and I longed to find new courage to face my fears. This has been by far the most fierce word I’ve chosen, one where I’ve tried to learn to be a warrior rather than a victim. Of course, the year has been packed full of just about everything that I could ever dream up to be scared of—meeting new people, visiting new places, learning new skills, becoming vulnerable in new ways. Ultimately, Fearless has led me deeper into learning to trust God.

One thing I’ve loved is that my WOTY selections generally don’t fade into oblivion once the year is over. They stay in my heart and still make a difference in my life because the value of what I faced and the things I’ve learned doesn’t change except to grow richer.

And now 2026 is just around the corner. What is my Word of the Year going to be? I’ve talked about this with a few people in my life, illustrating to them that whenever I choose a word I can expect to be tested in that area. It’s been suggested I should choose a word like “chaos” or “trial and tribulation” so that my year is sure to be pleasant and peaceful.

But of course, I haven’t taken their advice. I’ve been using the last few days of living a Fearless life to gather all my courage together and choose what is perhaps my hardest word yet—Grow.

I have no idea exactly what this word will mean for me. It is utterly terrifying to imagine. I only know that I see a lot of areas in my life where I would like to become. There is no possibility I will be able to grow on my own, so I suspect there will be a lot of leaning on God in the coming year.  

And so I am inviting you to join me. Choose the first word that comes to your mind or spend days pondering over the dictionary—I don’t care—but you’re sure to find selecting a Word of the Year a positive experience. This doesn’t mean you have to abandon your resolution writing if you really love it. You can just tack this on at the end. And if you, like me, dislike writing resolutions because you end up feeling like a failure, maybe a word to light the way would be the perfect thing for you, too.

To all my friends out there who I know faithfully choose a WOTY, I’d love to hear what it will be this time. Drop me a message or leave a comment. I love to find out what has been inspiring you lately, too, and what you will be looking forward to in 2026.

Happy New Year to all!

I Will Thank You

 I will thank You, Lord.
 
Even when You take me out of my comfort zone and send me to new places where I meet new people and am forced to try my awkward best to build friendships, sometimes over a day or two, sometimes over years, I will thank You. I will thank You that I’ve been given the privilege to meet amazing people that shift my perspectives on life.
 
Even though I don’t understand how finances work as well as I wish, and there’s always things I could be saving for and more to be spending on, I will thank you. Because You’ve always provided a way for me to be supported and You’ve never once left me to go hungry or to sleep on the street or in my car.
 
Even though being vulnerable is a terrifying thing, I will thank You, Lord. I will thank You that You love me so much You are teaching me to hold happiness in one hand and pain in the other and understand that is what a balanced life looks like and that You will make sure I am strong enough to keep the weights in equal measure.
 
Even though I sometimes have no idea where life is taking me, and I get overwhelmed with decisions, I will thank You. Because You have never left me alone in the dark, and there are incredible people You’ve put in my life that step in when I start to falter.
 
I will thank You, Lord.
 
I don’t know what the next five years hold in store.
I don’t even know tomorrow, to be honest.
I don’t know if my car will still run
Or if I’ll have groceries
Or break a leg
Or need a surgery
Or lose a loved one
Or if some hacker
Will empty my already feeble account,
I will thank You.
 
Because You have always been there for me. You alone are the constant in my life, the Guiding Light when there is absolutely nothing that makes sense in the darkness. Even though I’m terrible at reading maps, that becomes irrelevant when I’m traveling with You.
 
When I look up at night into the heavens spangled with stars moving in perfect patterns and stretching into distances no human has ever traveled, I will thank You because I see the order You created and the way Your plans are not made clear to the naked eye.
 
And when I see a rainbow stretching from horizon to horizon, each color a reminder of promises to be reflected on, I will thank You. Because You will not allow my soul to be destroyed as long as my trust is in You.
 
It’s not about what You’ve given, really.
It’s not about my answered prayers
Or the ones that feel like they’ve not been heard.
It’s not about ignoring realities that are hard
Or having the perfect attitude,
It’s about choosing.
And this is just to say,
That although I don’t begin to understand
And I’m way too dramatic
And fearful
And a lot of times I completely forget to trust,
I’ve made a choice.
 
I will thank You, Lord.
 

Q&A Part VI

I never dreamed I’d be writing about this on my blog. It’s a topic that feels far too vulnerable for me to cover here. But there was so much interest in single life I started feeling a little obligated to at least try to write answers, which I shall attempt with the following question as an introduction. And the input! Everyone, single or not, seems to have a lot of opinions about being single and what one should or should not do or how one should feel. That being said, I tried my best to represent the majority of single girls, which is actually really hard because there’s a huge variety in personality and situation. I reached out to single girls across the conference to get input for this question because I did not think my experience alone was a suitable representation.

How can our congregations support our singles and help them have a good experience? Some of us are single in social situations because of different circumstances, like widowhood or our husbands just not coming around, but it seems that’s still a little different from what the singles face.
—Socially Single
 
It’s possible I need a couple paragraphs here to give some disclaimers. I feel like I need a lot of disclaimers, actually. One thing I’d like to say is that everything I’ll be talking about is from the viewpoint of single girls. I’m quite sure the male and female experience of single life has some similarities, but I think there are a lot of differences, too, so if you want the male version of this, you’ll have to go find someone to ask yourself. Another thing I'd like you to know (I hope this is OK to say) is that the person who sent this question in is not single. They are someone just genuinely wanting to know what singles face.
 
An important consideration is that we single girls know we have a part to play in making a place for ourselves in a congregation. We are aware that being comfortable in our own skin will help us to be comfortable in whatever situations we find ourselves in. We know it takes putting ourselves out and thinking beyond the selfish lifestyle it’s so easy for us to live. So please don’t think we’re sitting here begging for sympathy, because I don’t know any single girl anywhere that appreciates that. Empathy, maybe, but not pity. Pity is a degrading sentiment in this case that tends to make us feel we don’t measure up and have failed at life somehow. As one person said, “Please don’t make us feel like it’s our fault if we’re not married!” What we all need is reassurance from our community that we are accepted and loved just like we are. I do not want this in any way to sound like whining. I don’t know that I can tell you how to support us, but I can tell you a few of the things that are difficult for us, and maybe that will give you some ideas.
 
“Do single girls even want to get married? They have so much freedom to go and do exciting things, after all!” It’s crazy how much I’ve heard this sentiment. I can’t answer that question for every person specifically, but marriage is a God-given desire that most of us will admit to when we’re being honest. There are times in our lives we might not feel open to it, and many of us probably have a lot of fears built up, but there is a place of vulnerability where we strive to live in the space between that desire and the acceptance of the reality where God is helping us to walk without becoming jaded. That being said, don’t assume you know where the single girls in your lives are on this question.
 
There were two things that nearly every girl I talked to mentioned. The first one probably won’t be a shock, but the second one? Even though I knew it for myself, I was still surprised that all the other girls felt the same way.
 
Every woman I talked to mentioned seating at social functions—In particular meals, such as potlucks or wedding receptions. One friend talked about our Mennonite tradition of seating couples so the men are together and the women are together. Well, when a single girl comes along, she messes up the neat little system, and the ushers don’t seem to know what to do with her. I’ve heard all sorts of experiences, and I’ve had some myself. What we wish for is just to be seated along with everyone else without feeling like our existence has completely derailed the grand seating scheme.
 
One option seems to be for the usher to send the single girl to the youth table, the children’s table, or just some out of the way place. I’ve actually seen this happen even when a couple has specifically asked a single girl to come eat with them—the usher will still send the single girl away somewhere else. Some girls ignore the usher (which feels disrespectful) and some meekly follow his directions (which is a disappointment). While we girls all understand the reasoning, it’s very frustrating that following the system makes us feel like we don’t have a place. It’s so neat when the couple speaks up and says, “Oh, just come sit here with us!” If memory serves, I believe I once saw a couple follow the girl over to where she was directed to sit.
 
I’m not sure who needs to hear this, but single girls are not actually scary people! I’ve heard “social singles,” widows, and single girls all complain about how they are avoided at social functions. I don’t know how many times we sit down at a table with several empty chairs at the end and see couples glance at the empty spaces then choose to go start sitting at a new table. One time I was with a couple other single girls and we somehow managed to all sit on the same side of a long row of Lifetime tables, about in the middle. The other side of the table filled up, but the three seats across from us stayed conspicuously empty. This is not an example of support. We do not have a disease. You will not catch singlehood from us.
 
That being said, one congregation where I lived for a while did a wonderful job of completely accepting the single girls into their midst and mixing with them just like they would with anyone else. That is a gift we girls appreciate a lot. We also really love it when someone asks us to step into line with them. I heard that from my single friends consistently. Yes, we know we should be brave enough to just barge in, and sometimes we do, but in a culture where couples are the normal thing, it does just make it a little easier somehow to be asked along.
 
One major part we girls can play in the seating is to not feel bound to what seems to be our social group. Just because it’s easy doesn’t mean I should just sit with other singles at every social event. Maybe that goes for everyone, though. Perhaps we’d all be better off to mix with different social groups and not feel like we need to sit with a certain group of peers.
 
I also got a question specifically about seating in the sanctuary when couples are seated together. After talking to all my single friends, I think the answer to that is probably similar to seating at potlucks. We want to just be included with everyone else and not made to feel awkward. I know, I know. No one else can make us feel a certain way without our consent, but it can be tough to constantly be fighting those feelings. And it definitely is worse when we can tell someone is hesitant to seat us.
 
I’m sure there’s a lot that could be said about seating, but I feel like you probably are getting the drift. The second thing that I heard again and again from my single friends has a bit to do with seating, but it’s down a little different line.
 
Please don’t segregate us.
 
It’s really easy for us to live our lives completely surrounded by our female friends. And don’t misunderstand—we absolutely love them—but when we are only with other women, our worlds tend to get quite small and narrow-minded.
We appreciate the viewpoints and input from the men around us. We know that on our own our thought processes are not well-rounded. And as some of the girls pointed out, we don’t even have to be involved in the conversation—we are happy just to listen in.
 
Maybe you aren’t sure what I mean about being segregated. Well, we all know the drill. Maybe we are together for Sunday dinner. At the table, the conversation moves nicely and everyone can be involved. (This is assuming the single girl didn’t get stuck in the other room with the children. Yes, I really do know of situations where that has happened.) But then the host pushes back his chair and says, “Well, I think it’s about time to go find a more comfortable chair.” The men disperse to the living room, and the women clean up the kitchen then return to chairs around the table to continue visiting. I understand there often isn’t room for everyone in the living room, but this is just an example of how easily we  can tend to orbit in a female-only sphere.
 
Also, the aforementioned sequencing of couples at the potluck table can also lend to a type of segregation. Someone mentioned this is probably a cultural thing to a degree, and I’m sure it’s so. I’m not here with answers on how to change it. I don’t know that we need to change it, but I’m just trying to answer the question at the top of the page, and this is something that definitely did get brought up in all my questioning.
 
This is going to sound contrary to what I just wrote, but a lot of single girls find Bible Study difficult. Again, it is so considerate when someone says, “Hey, come with me.” Otherwise, the men number off, the wives go with their husbands, and the single girls stand around trying to figure out if they have a place. When they’ve finally decided on a class, there is once again the dreaded seating issue to resolve. Finally, the discussion starts. Now, I’ve actually talked in Bible Study a couple times, but mostly I just chicken out. I’ve talked about this with my single friends, and I’m not sure I can explain why it’s difficult for us to talk in a mixed group like that, but I can tell you assuredly that many other single girls feel the same way. And as you get out of Bible Study what you put into it? Well, it takes a bit for us to learn how to navigate. Again, I don’t know that anything needs to change—but maybe just be aware that the single girls in your congregation possibly find Bible Study a little awkward.
 
Oh! Don’t let me forget to mention The Brethren’s Chat. Many congregations have the congregational chat, the women’s chat, and the men’s chat. This is all as it should be and very logical. Usually, there are no issues at all with the arrangement. But every once in a while, something gets put on the men’s chat that would be nice for us girls to know about as well. For example, as a teacher I’ve sometimes planned on working at school on Saturday. As I’m trying to study out lessons for the next week, suddenly fifteen men show up for a workday I knew nothing about. I would have rearranged my day if I’d known, but of course, I had no way of finding out. There have been occasions where some kind schoolboard member has messaged to let us know, and we appreciate that. But what about the “social singles,” the widows, and the single girls who aren’t teachers? How do they find out about the special offerings, for example?
 
Similarly, I know of one congregation where the offering basket is never passed on the women’s side of the church. Many congregations have located mailboxes, libraries, and tithe slots on the men’s side of the building. This is obviously not a big deal and I know that it makes sense with how the building is designed. It’s just that on Sunday it can be a little difficult to reach these things unless one works up the courage to wade through a large, intimidating group of men.
 
I’ve heard single girls talk about the fact that someone is fifteen years younger than they are, but because the younger woman is married, her ideas automatically hold more weight. It’s not that single girls feel like their ideas are the way to go, it’s more about feeling like people value them.
 
Different facets of life are difficult for different girls. I’ve heard from those who say weddings are hard. (Dear Minister, please don’t feel obligated to say some platitude to the singles in attendance. Often it just makes us feel worse.) For others, bridal showers and baby showers feel awkward. For some, none of those things are difficult at all. Please get to know the single girls in your congregation. Have us over in the evening. We are happy just to hang out with your family. We’ll be glad to fold towels or do your dishes and play with your children. For those of us who live alone, evenings can get long and lonely. The best way you can support us is by getting to know who we really are. But there! That’s what everyone longs for, isn’t it? We are all just humans together.
 
A big Thank You to the women who share their husbands with us! Those of you who are OK with it if we come over to your place and sit in the living room asking your husband for advice. Those of you who are all right with us asking your husband to help us fix something around the house that we have no idea how to deal with.
 
And a big Thank You to the men who do these things, as well. Most of us girls are trying really hard to be independent because we don’t have a choice. It’s so hard for us to ask for help, but when we finally work up the nerve and you so graciously step in and help without seeming to begrudge the time and effort? It means the world to us.
 
And I cannot express enough the thankfulness we all feel for the couples who see our needs and offer assistance without us even having to ask.
 
Please don’t feel bad if you read something here and said, “Oops! I’ve done that!” Not one of the single girls I know is holding anything against anyone. Life has complicated situations sometimes that are hard to figure out, and we’re all aware of that. And if you happen to know me personally, please don’t think you need to start making a bunch of changes. I certainly don’t expect that of anyone.
 
I’ve said it here before and I’ll say it again: At the end of the day, being single has its set of problems, but so does being married. I think that we all would do well, whether married or single, to check in with each other a little more frequently and get to know each other’s heartbeat. It’s that true heart connection that will lead to a vibrant congregation, after all.
 
Bonus Question:
Is it ever appropriate for a young lady to ask a young man how much money he makes?
—From the Lone Star State
 
No! What a horrifying idea. Completely outside the realm of good manners.
 
To those of you who know: I will stand my ground on this ‘til my dying day: It never happened. (Look up the Mandela Effect.) There are rumors and misconstrued truths, but I remember that evening with perfect clarity. For example, I know the person sitting beside me ordered a spinach quesadilla, and I rarely pay much attention to food. It’s possible money was alluded to, but I’ve never been mercenary. I can barely figure out how much I make, much less ask someone else about their earnings. It’s been almost twelve years. Isn’t it time to move on to something else? This is surely about as worn out as the brownie joke.
 
But I did just read an article the other day that stated talking about how much we earn is no longer considered a taboo subject among younger age groups, so maybe, on the off chance such a conversation actually occurred, I was just ahead of my time.
 
I’m sure you all have a lot of thoughts about being single. Feel free to leave them below. If you have more questions about single life, just ask your resident singles. They might not agree with what I've written here, and that's OK. They probably are wiser than I am in these matters, anyhow.

In the meantime, this is the end. The very last question of this series. Maybe someday Q&A will come back, but for now it has retired. Although that doesn’t mean you can’t just message me any time with random questions. I love having new and interesting things to think about, even if I don’t have answers.

Q&A Part V

It is high time you all know the truth. I’ve been cheating on these questions. Yes, really.
    They’ve been so fascinating to think about, and I by no means have the wisdom to give them all the answers they deserve, so I admit to reaching out to others for input. I wish I could give credit here where credit is due, but I don’t think that would be particularly appreciated, so just know what you’re reading might have been influenced by someone much wiser than myself. 

Please remember these are simply my opinions. They are in no way meant to be definitive answers. I had no idea people would trust me with such heavy questions.
    Also, I apologize before you start. This one is really, really long.
 
How do you help a school-age daughter that is the only girl her age accept that she might sometimes be left out by the other age-groups of girls close to her age?
—Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned Mother,
    Be assured you are not the only one in this situation. That doesn’t make it any more fun though. What I can tell you about it is this: Your daughter’s future happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else. Sure, it might make it easier now, but if she can learn young how to be OK with who she is regardless of the approval and friendship of peers, she will probably be a better person for it. 

This doesn’t mean it will be easy. It doesn’t mean there won’t be some tears—maybe hers and yours both—but there is an intrinsic strength that comes from learning to accept the situation which is something you already know or you wouldn’t have been asking how she can accept it in the first place.
    Now here’s the response that might come as a surprise to you. Although if you know me very well (which you definitely do!) you should halfway expect it because this is what far too many of my thoughts come back to. And that, friend, is accepting yourself and her situation.
    Why is this important? Well, this will be the main determining factor in how you interact with your daughter when she’s struggling. If you’ve accepted the situation she will be able to feel that peace about you and will understand that she, too, can relax in the circumstances.
    But how does accepting yourself help? It’s pretty hard to accept anything in life without accepting oneself. As long as we look at ourselves in the light of lacking something, we aren’t accepting who we are. As long as we feel like we need something else to complete us, we will keep looking for something to fill that need. Many times we think that need can be filled by being included with a group of people, and trying to be included can lead us to search for things about ourselves to change.
    With acceptance of the person God created me to be there comes a peace with whatever situation we find ourselves facing that cannot be faked. There is a sense of self-worth that is independent of others’ opinions of us. The most well-adjusted people I know are those who have caught this self-acceptance from their parents or those who have been forced to find it in themselves due to the hard things they’ve faced.
    As your daughter begins to find that peace and acceptance within, the other girls will learn to appreciate her more. She will be someone they don’t have to compete with because she won’t be trying to be better than them or need approval from them. And let’s be honest—this is what causes stress in most girls’ relationships.
    One gift that your daughter’s unique situation provides is the ability to learn how to be friends with a broad range of age groups. This is a skill that will serve her well throughout her life.
    Now I’m going to give some suggestions that will take your involvement. Make opportunity for your daughter to connect with other girls one on one rather than in a group. Group dynamics change a situation. Have one of the other girls over for an afternoon—but not always the same one. Let them learn to know and appreciate your daughter outside of a social situation. As they learn to know her away from the rest of their peer group, they will be more inclined to think of and include her when things come up later.
    Also make opportunity for your daughter to be with girls her age from other places. Maybe a cousin can come spend a weekend or maybe you’ll have to go visit said cousin. Perhaps there are girls from a neighboring congregation she could have over for a day. If she has a vibrant social life independent of the acceptance of the girls the situation limits her to, she will mind less being left out.
    All that being said, it is a difficult situation. Many mothers would agree. Don’t get discouraged. Give your daughter lots of hugs. Allow her to express her feelings and disappointments in a safe place and let her know you sympathize without letting her feel like a victim. Remember growing up is a difficult process no matter what the circumstances.
    Now go ask someone that actually has good advice for you and knows what they’re talking about.
 
 I overheard someone say that gossip is worse in the South. Is that true?
—Eavesdropper
    Wow. What a question.
    There are many things that are worse in the South. Like the humidity. And gas station bathrooms. But there are also a lot of really amazing things about the South, too.
    One of those things is the interest people take in each other’s lives and how free they are to talk and comment on mundane things around them. I can run into a perfect stranger in Wal-Mart and end up having a deep discussion about yogurt brands. Or random guys in Hobby Lobby that stick up for me when my sister pokes fun at my fascination with a certain Christmas camel. Or the lady that ends up telling me her life story while we wait at the DMV office or in line at Dollar General.
    Southerners like to talk. It’s part of the culture. And Southerners don’t hurry. They slow down and take their time asking “How your mama and all them doin’?”
    The other thing Southerners like to do (and I think they do it better than a lot of places in the U.S.) is get together and eat incredible food. And something about the fellowship of awesome food and talking a lot just goes together.
    The thing is, eventually you run out of things to say about the weather. We all know there’s been three tornado warnings in the last week and the humidity is so heavy you can see the fan blades drooping more every day on the front porch. Finally, you need something to keep gabbing about, so Southerners turn to gossip.
    My honest opinion is that everywhere gossips. The South just does it a little differently.
For starters, Southerners are loud. I attended a wedding in a congregation in Canada with only a handful of fellow Southerners. I have never felt so loud in my life. Most Southerners like to keep it real and say things how they are.
    Another aspect of a born and bred Southerner (at least many a Southern woman!) is the ability to be sugary sweet to your face but talk behind your back. Now I’m not condoning this. I just think it’s definitely a bigger thing in the South. There’s a reason for all the stereotypes about the Southern “Bless her heart.” The meaning really does change based on the conversation. I’ve seen a limited number of U.S. cultures, but my impression is that other places would sooner make snide comments or give you the cold shoulder.
    But to just say gossip is worse in the South? It might be louder. You might notice it more because people are free to say how they see things. But human nature is human nature. Any time you have a community with tight bonds, you’re going to be hearing more about the people in said community and their lives. That is why I don’t buy the theory that gossip is more prevalent in Dixie, because I know that you northerners have warm and loving communities, too, in spite of your ridiculous winter temperatures.
     Still, if you want to believe that the South has more gossip than any other place, I’ll take that and be proud of it. Because it would also mean the South cares more for their own and has a tighter community base.
    That’s my perspective, and you’re welcome to disagree with me.
    Bless your heart.
 
Is common sense caught, taught, or God-given?
—Curious Listener
    This is a question that has led to various intriguing discussions. The first thing I tried to determine is what exactly common sense is. The basic answer seems to be common knowledge—things that everyone in the general population is expected to know.
    Wait, why are people asking me about common sense anyway? Are ya’ll hinting at something here?
    I don’t know if this answer is correct or not, and I’m quite certain it’s not satisfactory, but I think it’s a little of each.
    Some people seem to be born with a God-given gift of common sense. They’re just calm and logical about physical things. Some have common sense in emotionally-charged relationships where they just know the right way to deal with feelings and people. That’s a special talent, too.
    There are homes that are ran on structure on discipline. The children in those homes often exhibit what we would also term common sense. This type of common sense is probably caught.
    And then we have the children who have to be taught to think things through. It’s easy to help them think, but it’s so much better to teach them to do their own thinking. Ask them questions about the world around them. When they ask a silly question, stop them and say, “What do you think would happen?” It’s our instinct to just quickly give them an answer, but they will gain so much more from learning to stop and think.
    When they make a mistake or a mess or heedlessly create a problem, calmly give them a space to sit down and think about what went wrong and how they can fix it. Most people have those answers inside of them. Their solution may not be exactly the same as yours, but how else will they learn?
    I think that most people have common sense—just not in the same area. If you would take the average land-leveler and stick him in a third-grade classroom, he would probably do a lot of things that wouldn’t look like common sense to a group of teachers. Similarly, if you stuck me in a tractor and asked me to move dirt? Well, don’t go down that line of thought for too long, please. The results are terrifying.
    Really what I’m trying to say here is that maybe common sense is a little subjective. Our ideas of what common sense is might be biased, based on our own lived experiences.
    Yes, there are basic things that everyone knows: brush your teeth, hold the door for the person behind you, don’t pull a tablecloth off a table loaded with dishes. But we often judge people based off the things we know, not the things they know.
    What would really show some common sense is for me to stop trying to answer questions I don’t have solid answers for.
 
Why is it that highly intelligent people usually lack in the common-sense department?
—Questioning my IQ
    How intelligent exactly are we talking here?
    Do you mean rocket-scientist intelligent? Or an 8^th grade straight-A graduate that has unique and specific interests and lots of deep thoughts? The kind that goes on to work in technology and takes extra training courses later in life for a higher-level job?
    If you mean rocket-scientist, the answer is easier. Common sense, according to one opinion I saw, is related to practical, lived experience and is also more linked to social awareness. Highly intelligent people often spend a lot of time in their thoughts. This means they may not notice social cues or even the little daily things of life so much. 

To someone who is socially adept and practically minded, it may seem inconceivable that someone wouldn’t realize their response in a conversation or the abrupt way they asked a question was a social faux pas. It might seem someone is deliberately misunderstanding or not catching on to how you want a basic chore done, when really their mind is so busy seeing all the possibilities you’ve never thought of they honestly just don’t quite get the straight-forward way you’re explaining it.
    I think some of your “high-end of average” intelligent people face the same problem on a lower scale. I have been lucky enough to have some really smart friends and have taught some incredibly gifted students, and nearly all of them make mistakes on occasion that cause others to stop and look at them quizzically. Sometimes they just don’t get emotions and how to interact with other people. Sometimes it’s the everyday chores that need to be done that are forgotten or done haphazardly. 

But it’s never because they are lazy or don’t care about others. In general, it’s because their minds are so full of the potential they see or in pursuing their particular interests they just don’t have room to focus on the tedious things of everyday existence. To be clear, I think these quirks are absolutely delightful.
    When one’s brain is focused on the daily chores and social expectations, they appear to have more common sense than someone who is living in a world of big ideas, theories, and constant curiosity.
    If only I could claim this was the reason for my lack of common sense I’d feel a little better.
 
How can we improve ourselves to become the best version of who God wants us to be?
—Self Improvement Ponderer
    Ah, yes. Self-improvement.
    I’ve had a lot of thoughts about self-improvement. It’s going to sound like I’m against it, but I promise I’m not. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe God wants us to improve ourselves. I just think the motive and approach that is taken is so important.
    I fear there is a lot of self-improvement in the current atmosphere that is based on self-discipline alone and our ability to achieve a certain appearance. This is not all bad. There are a lot of people out there who are accomplishing genuinely astonishing things by tapping into self-improvement by way of self-discipline.
    There are those who are climbing Everest, losing 300 pounds, building a stronger body, sacrificing the pleasures of life in pursuit of attaining a higher level in their chosen career, doing without sleep in order to follow a dream, and so much more.
    This type of betterment is often about their own gain and their own goals. A Godly self-denial will still influence many of the same things, but the motives will be different. Instead of stemming from selfishness, they will stem from service. 

Pursuing a healthy lifestyle, for example, should come from a desire to honor God and have an ability to work for Him. Contrary to this, a healthy lifestyle built on our own selfish reasons may stem from how we look to others or a need to have a sense of control over my health. That’s probably a bad example, because there are all sorts of special situations out there that I’m not taking into account, so please don’t get offended, but hopefully you get the drift.
    The difference in motive can be seen by looking at how we are judging others. Do we hold them to the same standards we have given ourselves? Do I feel a sense of pride in what I have accomplished, or is my attitude rooted in thankfulness for the way God has helped me pursue betterment?
    It's easy to pursue self-discipline as a tool to become the person I think God wants me to be. It seems to me that there is a lot of value in letting God tell us what areas He would like to see us improve in. Or maybe it’s just me that gets overwhelmed when I look at myself and see all the things that need to be better. I don’t know how many times I’ve found myself frantically trying to fix and improve things about myself and suddenly realize I’ve been so busy running around doing the things I see that I’ve completely missed the one little area God has been trying to point out to me.
    You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. –Jim Rohn
    This thought came to mind as I pondered your question. I can’t give you answers like get up at five every morning, eat a banana every breakfast, and go on a five-mile run. But what I can say is make sure you spend time with God and His Word. Through reaching out in that way, you will gain a clearer idea of who God is and a better understanding of how you can become who He wants you to be.
    Spend time with Godly people you admire. Be humble and open about your imperfections. You can't improve something if you haven't admitted it needs improving. Let go of your ideas of who you want to be and what you think other people want you to be and get in tune with the person you were created to be.
    Above all, be patient with yourself. Works of art are not created in a haphazard hurry. Your improvements might be slow, but remember God’s timetable is nearly never the same as our own.
 
How important are dreams? What if some of your dreams never come true? Is it wrong to still have them? Does God give us dreams to give us something to work towards? I’ve heard the saying that dreams do not cost anything. Do you think that’s really true?
—A Dreamer in the West
    If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was. 

The origin of this quote is debatable, but when I sat here looking at your question it sprang to mind. I think this is a little how dreams are meant to be held—loosely enough that your happiness doesn’t depend on them, but tightly enough that you aren’t afraid to go after them if the opportunity arises.
    It would make sense to me that many if not all of our dreams come from God. I say this because God created each person with unique interests and personalities and desires. It would logically follow that dreams are part of the defining characteristics He gave us. His reason for giving us dreams is a little unclear in my mind. It might be just because He is such a creative God He enjoys the variety. It might be that He wants to use our dreams—no matter how small or large—to fill a place He’s created for just your skillset.
    Dreams are important to have. I say this because if you have no dreams, what are you living for? A person with no dreams is usually a person with no hope. Not every dream will come true. That’s just the reality of life. But unless our dreams are something forbidden in God’s Word, I think He likes to see us have ambition—and dreams contribute to that.
    If a door has completely closed on a dream you have cherished—I mean slammed shut in your face and sealed with concrete—and you cannot let that dream go but choose to sit by that barrier and weep anguished tears, then yes, it is wrong to still have that dream. It’s not the dream itself that is wrong, but the fact that you cannot relinquish control, the way that you are so focused on your own desires you cannot look outside yourself at the ways you could be serving others, the doubt you have in God’s plan to give you good things. Those are the things that make it wrong to hold onto a dream.
    What is the cost of a dream?
    A dream held in its proper place costs nothing but lends to happiness. A dream held in improper esteem has quite a different effect.
    The most costly thing is pursuing a dream, which you didn’t actually ask about, but I believe bears a moment of meditation. Pursuit of a dream, whether in a God-centered way or a selfish way, will always cost something. It could cost time or money or friendships or health. It might cause you to lose social life or lay aside other hobbies you’ve enjoyed previously. It could cause you to lose sleep (maybe even in a good way, because you’re excited). It could cause you to lose interest in other things. It might even mean losing yourself. Pursuing a dream takes vulnerability because you might fail. Many people live their entire lives without going after something they want because of fear.
    But what if that dream was meant for you to have? What if God gave you the talent to pursue it? What if it’s yours for the taking if you’ll only step out in faith?
    Because sometimes dreams do come true. They have for me. And if you look back at your life you’ll realize some of yours have, too.
    So dream. Dream big. But make sure you can let go if you need to.
 
Do you have any child training tips?
—Reflecting in the Southwest
    You do realize who you’re asking, right? I don’t claim to know anything about child training.
    I have no children, but I am passionate about them. The children in my life generally leave at the dismissal bell every day. Our whole relationship is built around a structured environment. We have schedules and policies that direct our days.
    People think that just because I’ve taught school I must know something about child training, but I don’t feel that the experience is comparable. For starters, there is a bunch of training done before your child ever enters the doors of a school. Training is a process that begins very, very young. If you’ve missed those preschool years, it’s going to be more difficult for your child to learn to submit to authority.
    Also, I once had the privilege of keeping my niece for a couple of weeks. That was one child and she was not preschool age. Although I enjoyed it, I was exhausted. I wondered how on earth mothers did this 24-7 with five kids. My point is that I am very cautious to judge what parents do, even though I may have my own opinions.
    Something that I would consider even more important than training is connecting with your child. Connection is not concerned with what your peers or the grandmothers might think of your child’s behavior. It is focused on building something much longer lasting.
    I do not mean by connecting that you are buddies with your child. Absolutely not. Connection is built through giving your child security. This security comes first by having a foundation of respect. Respect is built, at least in part, by giving your child boundaries and helping them to understand they may not do certain things or have certain attitudes. You are the authority, and your child needs to know this. I am shocked when I hear children telling their parents what to do.
    If you find yourself arguing with your child, there is a component of respect missing. Children should be able to ask questions about things they do not understand (and I’m not talking about those whiny “Why’s” here), but this does not mean they have to have an answer every time. It does mean they should learn to accept whatever the authority is telling them. It is not your job, in most situations at least, to convince your child to be obedient. Maybe modern child-training methods promote encouraging, persuading, and coaxing, but I don’t believe that’s the way to a truly happy child. Gaining this respect doesn’t need to include a harsh tone or a harsh punishment. It’s much more dependent on consistency in small areas.
    Another part of building connection is trust. Your child needs to know he or she can trust you with absolutely everything. Don’t make a promise to your child that you cannot keep. It’s better to give an answer like, “You’ll have to wait and see,” then to promise something that doesn’t happen. This is true for positive things, but also for punishments. If you tell your child they will get in trouble the next time they do something, then you’d better hold up your end of that deal, too.
    Your child needs to know they can trust you with their worries and questions and secrets. If they’ve confided in you, respect their confidence by not telling other people about it. Even if it doesn’t seem like a big thing to you, it’s much bigger in your child’s mind.
    You can also build trust by not over-reacting to their naughtiness or their mistakes. If they spill a gallon of milk, quietly and kindly have them help you clean it up. There is no need to get excited about it (after the initial shock, of course) and line them out. If something needs to be said, it’s often a good idea to help your child analyze what he could have done differently to prevent the catastrophe. Most children are sensitive enough to already see this as a tragedy in their own minds. An adult who shows them they can handle tragedies without over-reacting is also proving to the child that they are a safe place and a person who can be trusted.
    The last part of connection is the most obvious—love your child.
    Tell your child regularly that you love them. Give them hugs and put your arm around them when they sit beside you. Ruffle their hair and rub their back. Find ways to laugh together. Let them know you are delighted to spend time with them.
    What does spending time with a child look like?
    By all means involve them in the work of the home. That is excellent on so many levels. But don’t forget to venture into your child’s world, too. As a teacher, I hear things occasionally from my children about what they want from their parents, and usually it’s simply their parents’ time.
It means the world to children—both boys and girls—when they can go with their dads somewhere. I know children love their moms, too, but there is something special about getting time with Dad—probably because that opportunity is often rare.
    I have heard a lot of children complain about their parents’ cell phone use. Some have clearly expressed they think mom and dad care more about the phone than about the child.
    One time I had a child come to school and talk about playing a game with their dad the night before. I was surprised by the number of children in my room who said, “I don’t think my dad has ever played with me. He never would. He doesn’t have time.” My heart broke for them just a little. Yours would have, too, if you had heard the longing in their voices and seen the wistfulness in their eyes.
    Part of venturing into your child’s world is giving them opportunity to do and showing interest in the things that make their eyes light up. This can mean taking them to an airport to watch the planes. It might mean letting them experiment with ingredients from the kitchen. I’ve had students tell me their parents don’t allow them to pursue their interests “because it makes too much of a mess.” It’s much better to teach your child how to clean up their own messes than to keep them from doing it altogether.
    Your child notices the art project you display on the mantle. He notices the picture you magnet to the fridge. She feels a little thrill when she sees you kept the note she wrote to you months ago. Of course, you can’t keep everything, but do proudly display some projects.
    A part of love is also learning to step back and let your child face some hard things in life. I know it’s hard to see them suffer, but if you protect them from every little bump they face when they are young, they will be very ill-equipped to face bigger problems as they grow older. Let them handle a few difficulties—with your support, of course—and you will find them maturing into confidence. Imagine them as a butterfly struggling out of their chrysalis. The process of emerging from that safe place gives them the strength and proper tools with which to fly.
    One of the best things you can do for your child is learning to accept who you are in Christ and making sure you are secure in God. These are areas where the “catching” quality far outweighs any talking about it you will ever do.
    There. For someone who said she doesn’t know anything about child training, I sure have rambled on here for a long time, haven’t I?
    Take everything with a grain of salt as coming from someone with zero experience in raising children. Ultimately, the Bible is a much better handbook than my little blog here, and God will give you much divine wisdom when you ask. You, as a parent, a filling an immensely important role and I believe God will bless you. Your best through Him is enough.
 
And now, dear people, let me inform you I am closed to all further questions. I still have one left to tackle that is super vulnerable and I’ve been giving a lot of thought to. I hope to give it its own post whenever I get the courage. Thanks again for the participation!

Q&A Part IV

    I hope you all know I really have no idea what I’m talking about most of the time. I have lots of ideas, but that certainly doesn’t mean they’re right. I really love it when people message me and say, “But have you thought about this?” after they’ve read something I’ve posted.
 
When interacting with somebody who seems emotionally/relationally immature, how do I know if I am really the one who needs to mature in my relationships and emotions? And how does one do the maturing part?
—Mature or Not?
    I think that the very fact you asked this question shows that you have some level of emotional maturity. A hallmark of emotional maturity, after all, is being honest with yourself and asking yourself hard questions. Emotional maturity takes being introspective about your feelings and how and why you react as you do.
    I don’t claim to be emotionally or relationally mature. I know I have a lot of growth to do in those areas. I’m not exactly sure what emotional maturity is supposed to look like. I know that the correct definitions say things down the line of being able to restrain your emotions and reacting in a way appropriate to the situation rather than blowing things out of proportion, but I get really confused about these things that leave some wiggle room.
    Because here’s the deal: Having emotions is OK. Expressing them in a healthy way is good. Emotions won’t always be fun and even expressing them in a healthy way will not always feel good in the moment. So I get stuck trying to figure out the balance between healthy expression and proper restraint. You can tell already I’ll be no help in answering this question.
    If you think emotional maturity means that you will never feel something out of proportion, I don’t think that is right. I believe that emotional maturity is more about how you deal with those big feelings when they well up. It’s more about taking a moment to make a conscious choice. It’s about learning to face your hurt feelings and then intentionally giving them to God.
    In general, maturity is something gained through time and life experience. It’s learning from past mistakes and allowing growth to take place. Maturing is probably more of a process than an end point. Don’t quit trying to grow and mature, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you think it’s not happening fast enough. As long as you have a desire to grow and a willingness to deny self, you’re probably about at the spot where you’re supposed to be.
    As you pointed out in another message you sent me, ourselves are the only people we have any power to change. That is another understanding that comes with maturity, learning to step away from any mentality of being powerless and step toward giving other people grace.
    No, it’s not easy. There will still be days you fail to get your feelings about relationships under control. Don’t be surprised by them. Taking responsibility for one’s own feelings and actions is a very scary but heroic step to take.
    I would encourage you to try digging to the bottom of your big emotions. Often, when I take the time to do this I find that my own insecurities are getting in my way and causing me to overreact. Maybe the interaction has left me feeling dumb which means the other person might not like me. Maybe it hits a nerve of fear that I’ll never be good enough to measure up to those around me. Maybe it left me feeling unlovable.
    All those things cause us to react to someone in a way that seems out of proportion to the interaction. On the surface, the exchange may look like where to stack clean towels or how to make a pitcher of tea and the other person is left startled and dismayed by our reaction to their comment.
    All this is to say that I think God is interested in our emotional maturity. Relationships are important to Him and He wants to help us grow. If we are connected with our Father, He will help us mature throughout our lives in our connections with others.
 
How can we educate parents about what goes on in a child’s brain when they learn to read? How about our new teachers? If the mechanics of reading could be described in laymen’s terms, would the parents of struggling children be more ready to accept help?
—Reading Specialist
 Dear Reading Specialist,
    The most simple and straightforward answer is “I don’t know.”  In fact, I don’t know real answers to any of your questions.
    I do think more education about education could be very helpful. I have a sneaking suspicion that the best course would be lectures given by a skillful public speaker that turned the presentation into something that felt similar to entertainment. We learn more easily if we are entertained in the process, after all, and this is a subject that can easily feel overwhelming and over peoples’ heads.
    The last part of your question is the bit that is challenging. It’s very interesting to observe how people react to the idea that their child might need help. Some of them have struggled in school and are desperate for their child to have help so he “never has to go through what I went through!” Other parents who struggled say things like, “I had to tough it out and he can, too; it’s good for him.”
    Some people don’t like getting help for their children because they feel like they are labeling them. I know this is a terribly controversial subject and something that people often feel strongly about. This is probably the place I would be wise to be quiet, but I do have a couple thoughts on it. The first is that a label should never limit someone. If you find a label is limiting a person’s capabilities, that label is being used as a crutch rather than an aid. Any type of label should be like a pair of glasses in the way that it helps you find ways to move forward.
    My second thought about labels is that if a child is struggling and we don’t label the problem (it’s the problem we’re supposed to label anyway, not the child), the child will often manufacture labels of their own that are far worse, more hurtful, and become core beliefs that can cause life-long effects. Some of the labels they might invent are things like “I’m dumb,” “I’m a failure,” or “I’ll never be good enough.”
    For parents who are open-minded or of a logical bent, explaining the mechanics of reading in laymen’s terms would probably be very helpful. For those who are more skeptical it may not make much of a difference. This is not to say one type of parent is superior to the other. We need both types; it’s just a difference.
    It is a parent’s privilege to decide if they want to seek help for their child or not. It is their prerogative whether they choose to find a label. I believe it is important to respect parents’ decisions for their children in these areas.
 
What is proper phone etiquette for WhatsApp?
—Reflecting in the Southwest
    I had to Google this. I could’ve come up with something to say, of course, but Google has a ready-made list which I can just comment on. Are you sure you’re ready?
    One of the first things that is important is being aware of other people’s schedules. In other words, don’t send messages really early or extremely late. For some of us it won’t matter because we keep our phones on silent, but there are those who might be disturbed. Think about this when crossing time zones. (I keep forgetting. It’s not my fault that almost everyone I know lives in central time, is it?)
It’s respectful to reply in a timely fashion. I don’t think this means we have to answer immediately. Some messages take answers that need a little time to marinate, but we shouldn’t leave messages on read for too long without some type of response—even if it’s just saying, “Hey, let me think about that and get back with you.”
    In a group chat you should participate in a positive way without dominating the conversation. This one is interesting to me because I know participation in groups (I’m not talking about a group of 500 here, by the way—think a group of eight or ten or even only five) can vary according to personality.
    I once taught school with some certain people who almost refused to answer on the group chat, even though there were only three or four of us on it. This made figuring things out a little challenging to say the least. We did have a good relationship, and they were free to share their opinions face to face, but they would hardly say a word on the chat. I fall into the ditch of talking too much if it’s a small chat. On one as large as, say, thirty people, my participation may decrease immensely. My view of this is that we should be willing to share but not be terribly judgmental if someone else’s habits on a chat are different than my own, because there are probably a lot of different circumstances involved as well.
    Privacy is a real and precious thing. As a general rule don’t forward messages, images, etc., without asking permission first. Also, be sure your information is accurate before passing it on.
    Some people love emojis and stickers while others hate them. Google informs us we need to be cautious of over-use. What that means might be different for different people. I enjoy a good emoji, but there are many times old-fashioned words are even better. Often, girls for sure, will use emojis as a way to try to communicate the right feeling when they’ve typed something out. As in, “I know I made a comment that sounded a little rude, but I still love you.” If we find ourselves overcompensating for our words too many times, we should probably think about revising our messages.
    If you must send a fifteen-minute voice message, be prepared for the fact the recipient may never listen to it. Keep voice messages a reasonable length or consider breaking them down into bites that are easier to handle.
    I’m not sure if this fits in with just WhatsApp, but in today’s world it is considered respectful to send a message asking if it’s a good time to call. Of course, this only applies to situations where you just want to chat or have a conversation about certain topic. No need to message me first if you see my house is on fire.
    Some people believe there is a whole etiquette lesson around leaving group chats. Sources online suggest you should notify an administrator before leaving a group. While that may be applicable in some situations, there are times it’s OK to just leave, too. However, there is such a thing as leaving with bad timing. If I’ve just poured out my heart and asked for support and you choose the next two minutes to leave the group, things probably don’t look too great for our relationship in the future. You’d do better to mute the chat for a couple of days and then leave gracefully.
    In our communities, most of us know and trust one another, but it is still advisable to ask permission before passing on someone’s contact information. At the very least notify the party in question that “I gave your number to so-and-so because they needed someone to talk to about making pottery and I thought you’d be a good one.”
    These are all things that most of us know instinctually. Respect and the Golden Rule can cover a lot of bases here, too. While it would be nice if everyone used good etiquette or followed rules that I think are appropriate, remember some folks don’t place their napkins in their laps, either, and they are still perfectly pleasant to be around.
 
How are we single girls that are older supposed to fit in with our age group that are married? Do we just invite ourselves to one family’s place? Especially when you don’t have close family in your area.
—Single and in Want of Social
Dear Single,
    If you think I have any good, down-to-earth suggestions here, you are definitely wrong. I’ve moved around enough to know that it can just be straight up complicated.
    It does seem that the burden of responsibility often rests on the shoulders of us single girls to find a way to fit in socially. While youth and young marrieds and middle age marrieds sort of have their natural groups, we are a bit of an anomaly. Most of us aren’t lucky enough to live in a place with a ready-made group of singles. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that’s how it is.
    I am absolutely the worst person to be talking about this because it’s terribly hard for me to do, but inviting ourselves over to someone else’s place is probably the first step. I think this is hard because we feel like we might not be really wanted. It may feel like we are intruding and being a burden. But I believe God wants us to fight those feelings, grab His hand, and be a little more vulnerable than what comes naturally.
    That being said I would still advise caution against just choosing a family and attaching oneself like a leech. If they invite you, that’s great, but don’t be hurt if they choose to do things without you sometimes, too. This actually gives you a greater blessing in the long run because it allows you to form relationships with two or three different families.
    Also, one of the things I like about being an older single girl is that I don’t feel like I have to fit in with my age group. Don’t get me wrong, I love being with other girls—married or not—who are similar to my age, but I also have so much freedom to be friends with people of all age groups. I can sit at the feet of wisdom when I am with the older women and enjoy the enthusiasm of random youth girls as well.
    It is important that we learn how to lose sight of ourselves and look for ways we can serve in our congregations. Volunteering and showing up when we can will help us feel like part of the group. It will also help others see us as part of the group. I know this can be challenging at times. For example, we can’t show up at a cleaning day when someone is moving into a new house because we are holding down a job, but we can help set tables or wash dishes at a potluck.
    And remember invitations go both ways! Maybe it’s way out of your comfort zone to invite someone over for a meal, but ask them to come after church on Sunday night. We single girls can get really attached to our ideas about our schedules and how we want our lives to run, but if we want a social life we will have to give up some of that predictability and be willing to branch out and be creative.
    We can’t afford to sit and feel sorry for ourselves, of that I am certain. I’m amazed how many of the married folks say they don’t do much with other people, either. Some of the young wives are very lonely and don’t feel that they fit in, either. Fitting in might be a little extra challenging for us single girls, but the reality is we aren’t the only ones who find it difficult.
    So I wish you a special refuge where you can relax and have your needs for social life met. It may happen in a way or at a place you’ve never thought of.
  
What are some questions you’d like answers on?
—From the Bayou State
    I can’t believe my luck! What a perfectly brilliant thing to ask me. It just so happens I have dozens of questions in my head at just about any time and I search for the right people to ask and how to slip them into conversations, but often I struggle finding the correct time and place and just get myself into awkward situations. Actually awkward silences might be better put. Without further ado, some of them are as follows:
 
·          How can we gain more “group spirit,” whether that is congregational, youth, or school?
·          Do you have an opinion on rooms painted black?
·          I keep getting distracted in church by the beautifully curved trim on the wavy walls of the rostrum. How do they get wood to curve like that? I’m sure all the men out there know the answer, and probably a lot of women, but I don’t, and I’ve refrained from Googling.
·          “Fake it ‘til you make it,” they say. What are signs that faking it has turned into the real thing? I’m thinking in areas like confidence and learning to have a conversation.
·          If you are driving uphill with a ten-pound weight (not fastened down) on a smooth surface of your vehicle, what is the fastest speed you can be traveling for the weight to not move at all when you hit the brakes? I’m sure the grade of the hill and who knows what all makes a difference, but I was thinking about this the other day and I’d love somebody to throw some numbers at me. I’d be curious about all the variables and experimenting with different weights, too.
·          What is a book, poem, or song that you have come across that feels like a hidden treasure because it is not well-known, but you think it’s amazing?
·          What is your opinion on humanoid robots created to be healthcare workers, teachers, etc.? Do you think they have a place in the future? Would you be intrigued or creeped out by having a robot nurse?
·          Do you have family traditions at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, or any other time? What are they?
·          Is it possible or important to teach our children and youth to dress in a way that is flattering to them rather than just following the styles? Not every style looks good on every person, but everyone does want to fit in, and that might not be all bad, either.
·          What are some dreams that have come true for you besides marriage and/or children?
·          If you had to choose something you enjoy to go a year without, what would it be?
·          What is your favorite non-harmful prank you have ever observed or been part of?
·          What is it that you love about the colors you have an affinity for?
·          What are some ways God has led your life?
·          What is the last compliment you gave someone?
·          If we put giant QR codes on the back of semi-trailers that led to random jokes or funny advertisements, do you think they would be considered a safety hazard and have laws made against them?
·          Why do people in our communities believe in torturing newlyweds? It’s possible for the vehicle to have things done to it at the send-off, the house might get decorated while the couple is gone on the honeymoon, and more so-called pranks might get pulled during the pancaking ritual. Pancaking seems to have things in common with an old-fashioned shivaree, but even so, that was a one-time deal, not three chances for destruction.
·          How do you make friends after you get out of the youth? Everyone is so busy with their own lives and families it can seem challenging. (OK, I admit it, I stole this one from a conversation I had with a friend who talked about struggling to make friends after she married and moved into a new congregation, but it’s still a good question, and I’m curious what others think.)
 
    Believe it or not, I have more questions I'd like to ask someone. I would positively love answers to absolutely any of the things I asked here. Please message me personally or leave answers in the comments. If you are passionate about something, I don’t mind reading long pages of script, either. Or best of all, meet me somewhere and we can have all sorts of exciting conversations face to face.

    In other news, I still have a few questions left for at least one more installation of this series. If that's a good thing or a bad thing I cannot tell. Thanks for the support and participation!