Q&A Part V

It is high time you all know the truth. I’ve been cheating on these questions. Yes, really.
    They’ve been so fascinating to think about, and I by no means have the wisdom to give them all the answers they deserve, so I admit to reaching out to others for input. I wish I could give credit here where credit is due, but I don’t think that would be particularly appreciated, so just know what you’re reading might have been influenced by someone much wiser than myself. 

Please remember these are simply my opinions. They are in no way meant to be definitive answers. I had no idea people would trust me with such heavy questions.
    Also, I apologize before you start. This one is really, really long.
 
How do you help a school-age daughter that is the only girl her age accept that she might sometimes be left out by the other age-groups of girls close to her age?
—Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned Mother,
    Be assured you are not the only one in this situation. That doesn’t make it any more fun though. What I can tell you about it is this: Your daughter’s future happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else. Sure, it might make it easier now, but if she can learn young how to be OK with who she is regardless of the approval and friendship of peers, she will probably be a better person for it. 

This doesn’t mean it will be easy. It doesn’t mean there won’t be some tears—maybe hers and yours both—but there is an intrinsic strength that comes from learning to accept the situation which is something you already know or you wouldn’t have been asking how she can accept it in the first place.
    Now here’s the response that might come as a surprise to you. Although if you know me very well (which you definitely do!) you should halfway expect it because this is what far too many of my thoughts come back to. And that, friend, is accepting yourself and her situation.
    Why is this important? Well, this will be the main determining factor in how you interact with your daughter when she’s struggling. If you’ve accepted the situation she will be able to feel that peace about you and will understand that she, too, can relax in the circumstances.
    But how does accepting yourself help? It’s pretty hard to accept anything in life without accepting oneself. As long as we look at ourselves in the light of lacking something, we aren’t accepting who we are. As long as we feel like we need something else to complete us, we will keep looking for something to fill that need. Many times we think that need can be filled by being included with a group of people, and trying to be included can lead us to search for things about ourselves to change.
    With acceptance of the person God created me to be there comes a peace with whatever situation we find ourselves facing that cannot be faked. There is a sense of self-worth that is independent of others’ opinions of us. The most well-adjusted people I know are those who have caught this self-acceptance from their parents or those who have been forced to find it in themselves due to the hard things they’ve faced.
    As your daughter begins to find that peace and acceptance within, the other girls will learn to appreciate her more. She will be someone they don’t have to compete with because she won’t be trying to be better than them or need approval from them. And let’s be honest—this is what causes stress in most girls’ relationships.
    One gift that your daughter’s unique situation provides is the ability to learn how to be friends with a broad range of age groups. This is a skill that will serve her well throughout her life.
    Now I’m going to give some suggestions that will take your involvement. Make opportunity for your daughter to connect with other girls one on one rather than in a group. Group dynamics change a situation. Have one of the other girls over for an afternoon—but not always the same one. Let them learn to know and appreciate your daughter outside of a social situation. As they learn to know her away from the rest of their peer group, they will be more inclined to think of and include her when things come up later.
    Also make opportunity for your daughter to be with girls her age from other places. Maybe a cousin can come spend a weekend or maybe you’ll have to go visit said cousin. Perhaps there are girls from a neighboring congregation she could have over for a day. If she has a vibrant social life independent of the acceptance of the girls the situation limits her to, she will mind less being left out.
    All that being said, it is a difficult situation. Many mothers would agree. Don’t get discouraged. Give your daughter lots of hugs. Allow her to express her feelings and disappointments in a safe place and let her know you sympathize without letting her feel like a victim. Remember growing up is a difficult process no matter what the circumstances.
    Now go ask someone that actually has good advice for you and knows what they’re talking about.
 
 I overheard someone say that gossip is worse in the South. Is that true?
—Eavesdropper
    Wow. What a question.
    There are many things that are worse in the South. Like the humidity. And gas station bathrooms. But there are also a lot of really amazing things about the South, too.
    One of those things is the interest people take in each other’s lives and how free they are to talk and comment on mundane things around them. I can run into a perfect stranger in Wal-Mart and end up having a deep discussion about yogurt brands. Or random guys in Hobby Lobby that stick up for me when my sister pokes fun at my fascination with a certain Christmas camel. Or the lady that ends up telling me her life story while we wait at the DMV office or in line at Dollar General.
    Southerners like to talk. It’s part of the culture. And Southerners don’t hurry. They slow down and take their time asking “How your mama and all them doin’?”
    The other thing Southerners like to do (and I think they do it better than a lot of places in the U.S.) is get together and eat incredible food. And something about the fellowship of awesome food and talking a lot just goes together.
    The thing is, eventually you run out of things to say about the weather. We all know there’s been three tornado warnings in the last week and the humidity is so heavy you can see the fan blades drooping more every day on the front porch. Finally, you need something to keep gabbing about, so Southerners turn to gossip.
    My honest opinion is that everywhere gossips. The South just does it a little differently.
For starters, Southerners are loud. I attended a wedding in a congregation in Canada with only a handful of fellow Southerners. I have never felt so loud in my life. Most Southerners like to keep it real and say things how they are.
    Another aspect of a born and bred Southerner (at least many a Southern woman!) is the ability to be sugary sweet to your face but talk behind your back. Now I’m not condoning this. I just think it’s definitely a bigger thing in the South. There’s a reason for all the stereotypes about the Southern “Bless her heart.” The meaning really does change based on the conversation. I’ve seen a limited number of U.S. cultures, but my impression is that other places would sooner make snide comments or give you the cold shoulder.
    But to just say gossip is worse in the South? It might be louder. You might notice it more because people are free to say how they see things. But human nature is human nature. Any time you have a community with tight bonds, you’re going to be hearing more about the people in said community and their lives. That is why I don’t buy the theory that gossip is more prevalent in Dixie, because I know that you northerners have warm and loving communities, too, in spite of your ridiculous winter temperatures.
     Still, if you want to believe that the South has more gossip than any other place, I’ll take that and be proud of it. Because it would also mean the South cares more for their own and has a tighter community base.
    That’s my perspective, and you’re welcome to disagree with me.
    Bless your heart.
 
Is common sense caught, taught, or God-given?
—Curious Listener
    This is a question that has led to various intriguing discussions. The first thing I tried to determine is what exactly common sense is. The basic answer seems to be common knowledge—things that everyone in the general population is expected to know.
    Wait, why are people asking me about common sense anyway? Are ya’ll hinting at something here?
    I don’t know if this answer is correct or not, and I’m quite certain it’s not satisfactory, but I think it’s a little of each.
    Some people seem to be born with a God-given gift of common sense. They’re just calm and logical about physical things. Some have common sense in emotionally-charged relationships where they just know the right way to deal with feelings and people. That’s a special talent, too.
    There are homes that are ran on structure on discipline. The children in those homes often exhibit what we would also term common sense. This type of common sense is probably caught.
    And then we have the children who have to be taught to think things through. It’s easy to help them think, but it’s so much better to teach them to do their own thinking. Ask them questions about the world around them. When they ask a silly question, stop them and say, “What do you think would happen?” It’s our instinct to just quickly give them an answer, but they will gain so much more from learning to stop and think.
    When they make a mistake or a mess or heedlessly create a problem, calmly give them a space to sit down and think about what went wrong and how they can fix it. Most people have those answers inside of them. Their solution may not be exactly the same as yours, but how else will they learn?
    I think that most people have common sense—just not in the same area. If you would take the average land-leveler and stick him in a third-grade classroom, he would probably do a lot of things that wouldn’t look like common sense to a group of teachers. Similarly, if you stuck me in a tractor and asked me to move dirt? Well, don’t go down that line of thought for too long, please. The results are terrifying.
    Really what I’m trying to say here is that maybe common sense is a little subjective. Our ideas of what common sense is might be biased, based on our own lived experiences.
    Yes, there are basic things that everyone knows: brush your teeth, hold the door for the person behind you, don’t pull a tablecloth off a table loaded with dishes. But we often judge people based off the things we know, not the things they know.
    What would really show some common sense is for me to stop trying to answer questions I don’t have solid answers for.
 
Why is it that highly intelligent people usually lack in the common-sense department?
—Questioning my IQ
    How intelligent exactly are we talking here?
    Do you mean rocket-scientist intelligent? Or an 8^th grade straight-A graduate that has unique and specific interests and lots of deep thoughts? The kind that goes on to work in technology and takes extra training courses later in life for a higher-level job?
    If you mean rocket-scientist, the answer is easier. Common sense, according to one opinion I saw, is related to practical, lived experience and is also more linked to social awareness. Highly intelligent people often spend a lot of time in their thoughts. This means they may not notice social cues or even the little daily things of life so much. 

To someone who is socially adept and practically minded, it may seem inconceivable that someone wouldn’t realize their response in a conversation or the abrupt way they asked a question was a social faux pas. It might seem someone is deliberately misunderstanding or not catching on to how you want a basic chore done, when really their mind is so busy seeing all the possibilities you’ve never thought of they honestly just don’t quite get the straight-forward way you’re explaining it.
    I think some of your “high-end of average” intelligent people face the same problem on a lower scale. I have been lucky enough to have some really smart friends and have taught some incredibly gifted students, and nearly all of them make mistakes on occasion that cause others to stop and look at them quizzically. Sometimes they just don’t get emotions and how to interact with other people. Sometimes it’s the everyday chores that need to be done that are forgotten or done haphazardly. 

But it’s never because they are lazy or don’t care about others. In general, it’s because their minds are so full of the potential they see or in pursuing their particular interests they just don’t have room to focus on the tedious things of everyday existence. To be clear, I think these quirks are absolutely delightful.
    When one’s brain is focused on the daily chores and social expectations, they appear to have more common sense than someone who is living in a world of big ideas, theories, and constant curiosity.
    If only I could claim this was the reason for my lack of common sense I’d feel a little better.
 
How can we improve ourselves to become the best version of who God wants us to be?
—Self Improvement Ponderer
    Ah, yes. Self-improvement.
    I’ve had a lot of thoughts about self-improvement. It’s going to sound like I’m against it, but I promise I’m not. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe God wants us to improve ourselves. I just think the motive and approach that is taken is so important.
    I fear there is a lot of self-improvement in the current atmosphere that is based on self-discipline alone and our ability to achieve a certain appearance. This is not all bad. There are a lot of people out there who are accomplishing genuinely astonishing things by tapping into self-improvement by way of self-discipline.
    There are those who are climbing Everest, losing 300 pounds, building a stronger body, sacrificing the pleasures of life in pursuit of attaining a higher level in their chosen career, doing without sleep in order to follow a dream, and so much more.
    This type of betterment is often about their own gain and their own goals. A Godly self-denial will still influence many of the same things, but the motives will be different. Instead of stemming from selfishness, they will stem from service. 

Pursuing a healthy lifestyle, for example, should come from a desire to honor God and have an ability to work for Him. Contrary to this, a healthy lifestyle built on our own selfish reasons may stem from how we look to others or a need to have a sense of control over my health. That’s probably a bad example, because there are all sorts of special situations out there that I’m not taking into account, so please don’t get offended, but hopefully you get the drift.
    The difference in motive can be seen by looking at how we are judging others. Do we hold them to the same standards we have given ourselves? Do I feel a sense of pride in what I have accomplished, or is my attitude rooted in thankfulness for the way God has helped me pursue betterment?
    It's easy to pursue self-discipline as a tool to become the person I think God wants me to be. It seems to me that there is a lot of value in letting God tell us what areas He would like to see us improve in. Or maybe it’s just me that gets overwhelmed when I look at myself and see all the things that need to be better. I don’t know how many times I’ve found myself frantically trying to fix and improve things about myself and suddenly realize I’ve been so busy running around doing the things I see that I’ve completely missed the one little area God has been trying to point out to me.
    You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. –Jim Rohn
    This thought came to mind as I pondered your question. I can’t give you answers like get up at five every morning, eat a banana every breakfast, and go on a five-mile run. But what I can say is make sure you spend time with God and His Word. Through reaching out in that way, you will gain a clearer idea of who God is and a better understanding of how you can become who He wants you to be.
    Spend time with Godly people you admire. Be humble and open about your imperfections. You can't improve something if you haven't admitted it needs improving. Let go of your ideas of who you want to be and what you think other people want you to be and get in tune with the person you were created to be.
    Above all, be patient with yourself. Works of art are not created in a haphazard hurry. Your improvements might be slow, but remember God’s timetable is nearly never the same as our own.
 
How important are dreams? What if some of your dreams never come true? Is it wrong to still have them? Does God give us dreams to give us something to work towards? I’ve heard the saying that dreams do not cost anything. Do you think that’s really true?
—A Dreamer in the West
    If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was. 

The origin of this quote is debatable, but when I sat here looking at your question it sprang to mind. I think this is a little how dreams are meant to be held—loosely enough that your happiness doesn’t depend on them, but tightly enough that you aren’t afraid to go after them if the opportunity arises.
    It would make sense to me that many if not all of our dreams come from God. I say this because God created each person with unique interests and personalities and desires. It would logically follow that dreams are part of the defining characteristics He gave us. His reason for giving us dreams is a little unclear in my mind. It might be just because He is such a creative God He enjoys the variety. It might be that He wants to use our dreams—no matter how small or large—to fill a place He’s created for just your skillset.
    Dreams are important to have. I say this because if you have no dreams, what are you living for? A person with no dreams is usually a person with no hope. Not every dream will come true. That’s just the reality of life. But unless our dreams are something forbidden in God’s Word, I think He likes to see us have ambition—and dreams contribute to that.
    If a door has completely closed on a dream you have cherished—I mean slammed shut in your face and sealed with concrete—and you cannot let that dream go but choose to sit by that barrier and weep anguished tears, then yes, it is wrong to still have that dream. It’s not the dream itself that is wrong, but the fact that you cannot relinquish control, the way that you are so focused on your own desires you cannot look outside yourself at the ways you could be serving others, the doubt you have in God’s plan to give you good things. Those are the things that make it wrong to hold onto a dream.
    What is the cost of a dream?
    A dream held in its proper place costs nothing but lends to happiness. A dream held in improper esteem has quite a different effect.
    The most costly thing is pursuing a dream, which you didn’t actually ask about, but I believe bears a moment of meditation. Pursuit of a dream, whether in a God-centered way or a selfish way, will always cost something. It could cost time or money or friendships or health. It might cause you to lose social life or lay aside other hobbies you’ve enjoyed previously. It could cause you to lose sleep (maybe even in a good way, because you’re excited). It could cause you to lose interest in other things. It might even mean losing yourself. Pursuing a dream takes vulnerability because you might fail. Many people live their entire lives without going after something they want because of fear.
    But what if that dream was meant for you to have? What if God gave you the talent to pursue it? What if it’s yours for the taking if you’ll only step out in faith?
    Because sometimes dreams do come true. They have for me. And if you look back at your life you’ll realize some of yours have, too.
    So dream. Dream big. But make sure you can let go if you need to.
 
Do you have any child training tips?
—Reflecting in the Southwest
    You do realize who you’re asking, right? I don’t claim to know anything about child training.
    I have no children, but I am passionate about them. The children in my life generally leave at the dismissal bell every day. Our whole relationship is built around a structured environment. We have schedules and policies that direct our days.
    People think that just because I’ve taught school I must know something about child training, but I don’t feel that the experience is comparable. For starters, there is a bunch of training done before your child ever enters the doors of a school. Training is a process that begins very, very young. If you’ve missed those preschool years, it’s going to be more difficult for your child to learn to submit to authority.
    Also, I once had the privilege of keeping my niece for a couple of weeks. That was one child and she was not preschool age. Although I enjoyed it, I was exhausted. I wondered how on earth mothers did this 24-7 with five kids. My point is that I am very cautious to judge what parents do, even though I may have my own opinions.
    Something that I would consider even more important than training is connecting with your child. Connection is not concerned with what your peers or the grandmothers might think of your child’s behavior. It is focused on building something much longer lasting.
    I do not mean by connecting that you are buddies with your child. Absolutely not. Connection is built through giving your child security. This security comes first by having a foundation of respect. Respect is built, at least in part, by giving your child boundaries and helping them to understand they may not do certain things or have certain attitudes. You are the authority, and your child needs to know this. I am shocked when I hear children telling their parents what to do.
    If you find yourself arguing with your child, there is a component of respect missing. Children should be able to ask questions about things they do not understand (and I’m not talking about those whiny “Why’s” here), but this does not mean they have to have an answer every time. It does mean they should learn to accept whatever the authority is telling them. It is not your job, in most situations at least, to convince your child to be obedient. Maybe modern child-training methods promote encouraging, persuading, and coaxing, but I don’t believe that’s the way to a truly happy child. Gaining this respect doesn’t need to include a harsh tone or a harsh punishment. It’s much more dependent on consistency in small areas.
    Another part of building connection is trust. Your child needs to know he or she can trust you with absolutely everything. Don’t make a promise to your child that you cannot keep. It’s better to give an answer like, “You’ll have to wait and see,” then to promise something that doesn’t happen. This is true for positive things, but also for punishments. If you tell your child they will get in trouble the next time they do something, then you’d better hold up your end of that deal, too.
    Your child needs to know they can trust you with their worries and questions and secrets. If they’ve confided in you, respect their confidence by not telling other people about it. Even if it doesn’t seem like a big thing to you, it’s much bigger in your child’s mind.
    You can also build trust by not over-reacting to their naughtiness or their mistakes. If they spill a gallon of milk, quietly and kindly have them help you clean it up. There is no need to get excited about it (after the initial shock, of course) and line them out. If something needs to be said, it’s often a good idea to help your child analyze what he could have done differently to prevent the catastrophe. Most children are sensitive enough to already see this as a tragedy in their own minds. An adult who shows them they can handle tragedies without over-reacting is also proving to the child that they are a safe place and a person who can be trusted.
    The last part of connection is the most obvious—love your child.
    Tell your child regularly that you love them. Give them hugs and put your arm around them when they sit beside you. Ruffle their hair and rub their back. Find ways to laugh together. Let them know you are delighted to spend time with them.
    What does spending time with a child look like?
    By all means involve them in the work of the home. That is excellent on so many levels. But don’t forget to venture into your child’s world, too. As a teacher, I hear things occasionally from my children about what they want from their parents, and usually it’s simply their parents’ time.
It means the world to children—both boys and girls—when they can go with their dads somewhere. I know children love their moms, too, but there is something special about getting time with Dad—probably because that opportunity is often rare.
    I have heard a lot of children complain about their parents’ cell phone use. Some have clearly expressed they think mom and dad care more about the phone than about the child.
    One time I had a child come to school and talk about playing a game with their dad the night before. I was surprised by the number of children in my room who said, “I don’t think my dad has ever played with me. He never would. He doesn’t have time.” My heart broke for them just a little. Yours would have, too, if you had heard the longing in their voices and seen the wistfulness in their eyes.
    Part of venturing into your child’s world is giving them opportunity to do and showing interest in the things that make their eyes light up. This can mean taking them to an airport to watch the planes. It might mean letting them experiment with ingredients from the kitchen. I’ve had students tell me their parents don’t allow them to pursue their interests “because it makes too much of a mess.” It’s much better to teach your child how to clean up their own messes than to keep them from doing it altogether.
    Your child notices the art project you display on the mantle. He notices the picture you magnet to the fridge. She feels a little thrill when she sees you kept the note she wrote to you months ago. Of course, you can’t keep everything, but do proudly display some projects.
    A part of love is also learning to step back and let your child face some hard things in life. I know it’s hard to see them suffer, but if you protect them from every little bump they face when they are young, they will be very ill-equipped to face bigger problems as they grow older. Let them handle a few difficulties—with your support, of course—and you will find them maturing into confidence. Imagine them as a butterfly struggling out of their chrysalis. The process of emerging from that safe place gives them the strength and proper tools with which to fly.
    One of the best things you can do for your child is learning to accept who you are in Christ and making sure you are secure in God. These are areas where the “catching” quality far outweighs any talking about it you will ever do.
    There. For someone who said she doesn’t know anything about child training, I sure have rambled on here for a long time, haven’t I?
    Take everything with a grain of salt as coming from someone with zero experience in raising children. Ultimately, the Bible is a much better handbook than my little blog here, and God will give you much divine wisdom when you ask. You, as a parent, a filling an immensely important role and I believe God will bless you. Your best through Him is enough.
 
And now, dear people, let me inform you I am closed to all further questions. I still have one left to tackle that is super vulnerable and I’ve been giving a lot of thought to. I hope to give it its own post whenever I get the courage. Thanks again for the participation!