Q&A Part IV

    I hope you all know I really have no idea what I’m talking about most of the time. I have lots of ideas, but that certainly doesn’t mean they’re right. I really love it when people message me and say, “But have you thought about this?” after they’ve read something I’ve posted.
 
When interacting with somebody who seems emotionally/relationally immature, how do I know if I am really the one who needs to mature in my relationships and emotions? And how does one do the maturing part?
—Mature or Not?
    I think that the very fact you asked this question shows that you have some level of emotional maturity. A hallmark of emotional maturity, after all, is being honest with yourself and asking yourself hard questions. Emotional maturity takes being introspective about your feelings and how and why you react as you do.
    I don’t claim to be emotionally or relationally mature. I know I have a lot of growth to do in those areas. I’m not exactly sure what emotional maturity is supposed to look like. I know that the correct definitions say things down the line of being able to restrain your emotions and reacting in a way appropriate to the situation rather than blowing things out of proportion, but I get really confused about these things that leave some wiggle room.
    Because here’s the deal: Having emotions is OK. Expressing them in a healthy way is good. Emotions won’t always be fun and even expressing them in a healthy way will not always feel good in the moment. So I get stuck trying to figure out the balance between healthy expression and proper restraint. You can tell already I’ll be no help in answering this question.
    If you think emotional maturity means that you will never feel something out of proportion, I don’t think that is right. I believe that emotional maturity is more about how you deal with those big feelings when they well up. It’s more about taking a moment to make a conscious choice. It’s about learning to face your hurt feelings and then intentionally giving them to God.
    In general, maturity is something gained through time and life experience. It’s learning from past mistakes and allowing growth to take place. Maturing is probably more of a process than an end point. Don’t quit trying to grow and mature, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you think it’s not happening fast enough. As long as you have a desire to grow and a willingness to deny self, you’re probably about at the spot where you’re supposed to be.
    As you pointed out in another message you sent me, ourselves are the only people we have any power to change. That is another understanding that comes with maturity, learning to step away from any mentality of being powerless and step toward giving other people grace.
    No, it’s not easy. There will still be days you fail to get your feelings about relationships under control. Don’t be surprised by them. Taking responsibility for one’s own feelings and actions is a very scary but heroic step to take.
    I would encourage you to try digging to the bottom of your big emotions. Often, when I take the time to do this I find that my own insecurities are getting in my way and causing me to overreact. Maybe the interaction has left me feeling dumb which means the other person might not like me. Maybe it hits a nerve of fear that I’ll never be good enough to measure up to those around me. Maybe it left me feeling unlovable.
    All those things cause us to react to someone in a way that seems out of proportion to the interaction. On the surface, the exchange may look like where to stack clean towels or how to make a pitcher of tea and the other person is left startled and dismayed by our reaction to their comment.
    All this is to say that I think God is interested in our emotional maturity. Relationships are important to Him and He wants to help us grow. If we are connected with our Father, He will help us mature throughout our lives in our connections with others.
 
How can we educate parents about what goes on in a child’s brain when they learn to read? How about our new teachers? If the mechanics of reading could be described in laymen’s terms, would the parents of struggling children be more ready to accept help?
—Reading Specialist
 Dear Reading Specialist,
    The most simple and straightforward answer is “I don’t know.”  In fact, I don’t know real answers to any of your questions.
    I do think more education about education could be very helpful. I have a sneaking suspicion that the best course would be lectures given by a skillful public speaker that turned the presentation into something that felt similar to entertainment. We learn more easily if we are entertained in the process, after all, and this is a subject that can easily feel overwhelming and over peoples’ heads.
    The last part of your question is the bit that is challenging. It’s very interesting to observe how people react to the idea that their child might need help. Some of them have struggled in school and are desperate for their child to have help so he “never has to go through what I went through!” Other parents who struggled say things like, “I had to tough it out and he can, too; it’s good for him.”
    Some people don’t like getting help for their children because they feel like they are labeling them. I know this is a terribly controversial subject and something that people often feel strongly about. This is probably the place I would be wise to be quiet, but I do have a couple thoughts on it. The first is that a label should never limit someone. If you find a label is limiting a person’s capabilities, that label is being used as a crutch rather than an aid. Any type of label should be like a pair of glasses in the way that it helps you find ways to move forward.
    My second thought about labels is that if a child is struggling and we don’t label the problem (it’s the problem we’re supposed to label anyway, not the child), the child will often manufacture labels of their own that are far worse, more hurtful, and become core beliefs that can cause life-long effects. Some of the labels they might invent are things like “I’m dumb,” “I’m a failure,” or “I’ll never be good enough.”
    For parents who are open-minded or of a logical bent, explaining the mechanics of reading in laymen’s terms would probably be very helpful. For those who are more skeptical it may not make much of a difference. This is not to say one type of parent is superior to the other. We need both types; it’s just a difference.
    It is a parent’s privilege to decide if they want to seek help for their child or not. It is their prerogative whether they choose to find a label. I believe it is important to respect parents’ decisions for their children in these areas.
 
What is proper phone etiquette for WhatsApp?
—Reflecting in the Southwest
    I had to Google this. I could’ve come up with something to say, of course, but Google has a ready-made list which I can just comment on. Are you sure you’re ready?
    One of the first things that is important is being aware of other people’s schedules. In other words, don’t send messages really early or extremely late. For some of us it won’t matter because we keep our phones on silent, but there are those who might be disturbed. Think about this when crossing time zones. (I keep forgetting. It’s not my fault that almost everyone I know lives in central time, is it?)
It’s respectful to reply in a timely fashion. I don’t think this means we have to answer immediately. Some messages take answers that need a little time to marinate, but we shouldn’t leave messages on read for too long without some type of response—even if it’s just saying, “Hey, let me think about that and get back with you.”
    In a group chat you should participate in a positive way without dominating the conversation. This one is interesting to me because I know participation in groups (I’m not talking about a group of 500 here, by the way—think a group of eight or ten or even only five) can vary according to personality.
    I once taught school with some certain people who almost refused to answer on the group chat, even though there were only three or four of us on it. This made figuring things out a little challenging to say the least. We did have a good relationship, and they were free to share their opinions face to face, but they would hardly say a word on the chat. I fall into the ditch of talking too much if it’s a small chat. On one as large as, say, thirty people, my participation may decrease immensely. My view of this is that we should be willing to share but not be terribly judgmental if someone else’s habits on a chat are different than my own, because there are probably a lot of different circumstances involved as well.
    Privacy is a real and precious thing. As a general rule don’t forward messages, images, etc., without asking permission first. Also, be sure your information is accurate before passing it on.
    Some people love emojis and stickers while others hate them. Google informs us we need to be cautious of over-use. What that means might be different for different people. I enjoy a good emoji, but there are many times old-fashioned words are even better. Often, girls for sure, will use emojis as a way to try to communicate the right feeling when they’ve typed something out. As in, “I know I made a comment that sounded a little rude, but I still love you.” If we find ourselves overcompensating for our words too many times, we should probably think about revising our messages.
    If you must send a fifteen-minute voice message, be prepared for the fact the recipient may never listen to it. Keep voice messages a reasonable length or consider breaking them down into bites that are easier to handle.
    I’m not sure if this fits in with just WhatsApp, but in today’s world it is considered respectful to send a message asking if it’s a good time to call. Of course, this only applies to situations where you just want to chat or have a conversation about certain topic. No need to message me first if you see my house is on fire.
    Some people believe there is a whole etiquette lesson around leaving group chats. Sources online suggest you should notify an administrator before leaving a group. While that may be applicable in some situations, there are times it’s OK to just leave, too. However, there is such a thing as leaving with bad timing. If I’ve just poured out my heart and asked for support and you choose the next two minutes to leave the group, things probably don’t look too great for our relationship in the future. You’d do better to mute the chat for a couple of days and then leave gracefully.
    In our communities, most of us know and trust one another, but it is still advisable to ask permission before passing on someone’s contact information. At the very least notify the party in question that “I gave your number to so-and-so because they needed someone to talk to about making pottery and I thought you’d be a good one.”
    These are all things that most of us know instinctually. Respect and the Golden Rule can cover a lot of bases here, too. While it would be nice if everyone used good etiquette or followed rules that I think are appropriate, remember some folks don’t place their napkins in their laps, either, and they are still perfectly pleasant to be around.
 
How are we single girls that are older supposed to fit in with our age group that are married? Do we just invite ourselves to one family’s place? Especially when you don’t have close family in your area.
—Single and in Want of Social
Dear Single,
    If you think I have any good, down-to-earth suggestions here, you are definitely wrong. I’ve moved around enough to know that it can just be straight up complicated.
    It does seem that the burden of responsibility often rests on the shoulders of us single girls to find a way to fit in socially. While youth and young marrieds and middle age marrieds sort of have their natural groups, we are a bit of an anomaly. Most of us aren’t lucky enough to live in a place with a ready-made group of singles. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that’s how it is.
    I am absolutely the worst person to be talking about this because it’s terribly hard for me to do, but inviting ourselves over to someone else’s place is probably the first step. I think this is hard because we feel like we might not be really wanted. It may feel like we are intruding and being a burden. But I believe God wants us to fight those feelings, grab His hand, and be a little more vulnerable than what comes naturally.
    That being said I would still advise caution against just choosing a family and attaching oneself like a leech. If they invite you, that’s great, but don’t be hurt if they choose to do things without you sometimes, too. This actually gives you a greater blessing in the long run because it allows you to form relationships with two or three different families.
    Also, one of the things I like about being an older single girl is that I don’t feel like I have to fit in with my age group. Don’t get me wrong, I love being with other girls—married or not—who are similar to my age, but I also have so much freedom to be friends with people of all age groups. I can sit at the feet of wisdom when I am with the older women and enjoy the enthusiasm of random youth girls as well.
    It is important that we learn how to lose sight of ourselves and look for ways we can serve in our congregations. Volunteering and showing up when we can will help us feel like part of the group. It will also help others see us as part of the group. I know this can be challenging at times. For example, we can’t show up at a cleaning day when someone is moving into a new house because we are holding down a job, but we can help set tables or wash dishes at a potluck.
    And remember invitations go both ways! Maybe it’s way out of your comfort zone to invite someone over for a meal, but ask them to come after church on Sunday night. We single girls can get really attached to our ideas about our schedules and how we want our lives to run, but if we want a social life we will have to give up some of that predictability and be willing to branch out and be creative.
    We can’t afford to sit and feel sorry for ourselves, of that I am certain. I’m amazed how many of the married folks say they don’t do much with other people, either. Some of the young wives are very lonely and don’t feel that they fit in, either. Fitting in might be a little extra challenging for us single girls, but the reality is we aren’t the only ones who find it difficult.
    So I wish you a special refuge where you can relax and have your needs for social life met. It may happen in a way or at a place you’ve never thought of.
  
What are some questions you’d like answers on?
—From the Bayou State
    I can’t believe my luck! What a perfectly brilliant thing to ask me. It just so happens I have dozens of questions in my head at just about any time and I search for the right people to ask and how to slip them into conversations, but often I struggle finding the correct time and place and just get myself into awkward situations. Actually awkward silences might be better put. Without further ado, some of them are as follows:
 
·          How can we gain more “group spirit,” whether that is congregational, youth, or school?
·          Do you have an opinion on rooms painted black?
·          I keep getting distracted in church by the beautifully curved trim on the wavy walls of the rostrum. How do they get wood to curve like that? I’m sure all the men out there know the answer, and probably a lot of women, but I don’t, and I’ve refrained from Googling.
·          “Fake it ‘til you make it,” they say. What are signs that faking it has turned into the real thing? I’m thinking in areas like confidence and learning to have a conversation.
·          If you are driving uphill with a ten-pound weight (not fastened down) on a smooth surface of your vehicle, what is the fastest speed you can be traveling for the weight to not move at all when you hit the brakes? I’m sure the grade of the hill and who knows what all makes a difference, but I was thinking about this the other day and I’d love somebody to throw some numbers at me. I’d be curious about all the variables and experimenting with different weights, too.
·          What is a book, poem, or song that you have come across that feels like a hidden treasure because it is not well-known, but you think it’s amazing?
·          What is your opinion on humanoid robots created to be healthcare workers, teachers, etc.? Do you think they have a place in the future? Would you be intrigued or creeped out by having a robot nurse?
·          Do you have family traditions at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, or any other time? What are they?
·          Is it possible or important to teach our children and youth to dress in a way that is flattering to them rather than just following the styles? Not every style looks good on every person, but everyone does want to fit in, and that might not be all bad, either.
·          What are some dreams that have come true for you besides marriage and/or children?
·          If you had to choose something you enjoy to go a year without, what would it be?
·          What is your favorite non-harmful prank you have ever observed or been part of?
·          What is it that you love about the colors you have an affinity for?
·          What are some ways God has led your life?
·          What is the last compliment you gave someone?
·          If we put giant QR codes on the back of semi-trailers that led to random jokes or funny advertisements, do you think they would be considered a safety hazard and have laws made against them?
·          Why do people in our communities believe in torturing newlyweds? It’s possible for the vehicle to have things done to it at the send-off, the house might get decorated while the couple is gone on the honeymoon, and more so-called pranks might get pulled during the pancaking ritual. Pancaking seems to have things in common with an old-fashioned shivaree, but even so, that was a one-time deal, not three chances for destruction.
·          How do you make friends after you get out of the youth? Everyone is so busy with their own lives and families it can seem challenging. (OK, I admit it, I stole this one from a conversation I had with a friend who talked about struggling to make friends after she married and moved into a new congregation, but it’s still a good question, and I’m curious what others think.)
 
    Believe it or not, I have more questions I'd like to ask someone. I would positively love answers to absolutely any of the things I asked here. Please message me personally or leave answers in the comments. If you are passionate about something, I don’t mind reading long pages of script, either. Or best of all, meet me somewhere and we can have all sorts of exciting conversations face to face.

    In other news, I still have a few questions left for at least one more installation of this series. If that's a good thing or a bad thing I cannot tell. Thanks for the support and participation!
 

Q&A Part III

 And still more questions and answers.
 
What was your favorite part of going to girls’ class?
—Just a Girl Who Loves Her Coffee
Dear Girl Who Loves Coffee,
    I want to say that class was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and I wouldn’t trade that group of girls or our instructor for anyone. I think it’s impossible to pick a single favorite part. One of my favorite things was the fact that we were such a small group and that many of us already knew each other so well, but learned to know one another even better. 

Yet the most precious moments were sitting around the table sharing hearts (“Lord, keep an arm around my shoulders and a hand over my mouth” comes back as a memorable quote). Singing and devotions also have many good memories, as well as the one day we were sprawled all over the sanctuary writing essays. 

There are funny little moments that bring back a smile, like the fact that the “Africa girls” got stuck under the air conditioning vents and the appalling table manners of some certain people who didn’t know how to pass things and referenced loogies at mealtime. There were also jeep rides (ya’ll know who you were, sneaking in extras at night) and sitting around the mouth of a cave writing compliments for each other.
    But one cannot reference class without bringing up the Dummy in the Toilet. This is a frivolous event, completely unrelated to the real heart-things of class. If this causes you a problem, stop reading now. If you wish to continue, be aware I have done my best to protect the innocent—or maybe those who are not. Perhaps it’s time for a little soul-cleansing. The version of the story told here has been shortened to include only the highlights. I apologize if the events are incorrectly recorded.
    Shortly before girls’ class commenced, a wedding had taken place in the congregation. As so often happens, the best man, being a youth brother of great—shall we say, creativity? —decorated the newlywed’s yard with, among other things, a toilet.
    This started a bit of a war between the best man and the couple, with the toilet being unceremoniously passed back and forth. Its last resting place was to the side of the couple’s driveway, right by the road. The couple chose the introduction evening of girls’ class to exact some revenge by writing a stunning advertisement on the windows of a certain truck in the yard. It contained things such as “I’m still searching” and one stipulation: “needs to be thrifty.” The young man, in youthful wisdom, withdrew from the yard before any of the girls actually got the number written down.
    This might have been the end of things, but fate had other plans.
    Two of the most innocent girls in attendance ended up staying with the best man’s family for the last half of class. One evening, while the men of the house were out of earshot, the story of the toilet war was broached. Inspiration hit suddenly as it was told. 

“Hey! You know what would be funny? If somebody would stuff a pair of blue jeans and put boots on the pant legs and put it waist down in the toilet! It would look like somebody fell in!” It was only a matter of minutes until plans were being completed. The women of the home would gather supplies during the day, and the class girls would carry out the deed that evening. The menfolk were to remain ignorant until things were well into the final stages.
    It was Saturday, the last day of class. The youth brought supper to church and played volleyball until around 10:00. One of the youth girls was to be the chauffer for the two who were involved with the plot involving the dummy. The little Mazda was pulled around to the basement door and loaded with supplies. A pair of blue jeans was stuffed with hay, amidst much giggling. The poles needed to support the legs were too long to fit properly in the car, so they were left hanging out of an open window as the car traversed the winding roads to the scene of the crime.
    Stealthily, the trio made their way in the dark to the toilet, which they filled with dirt. It took a few tries before the dummy (christened George) was properly installed, but eventually all was deemed perfection, and the girls fled back toward the house and rest.
    Sunday morning dawned beautifully, and most of the churchgoers passed the guy in the toilet on their way to the morning service. Everyone knew the best man had to have been responsible. Who else would have done such a thing?
    After church there was a commotion in the back of the building as the couple confronted the best man, who protested vigorously, saying he had had nothing to do with such a scheme.
    “Well, why did we hear your pickup gunning around?”
    “Oh, there were some traffic problems.”
    “Not on this road at 10:00 at night there wasn’t!”
    “Well, I didn’t do it.”
    “You expect me to believe that? If you didn’t do it, you had someone else do it! You were in on it in some way!”
    The best man kept maintaining his innocence. “In the dictionary, if you look by the word innocent, you will find my name. I told you, I was sleeping!”
    One of the class girls could resist no longer. “No, he didn’t do it. He has witnesses. He was at home.”
    “What? You were at his house?”
    “Yes.”
    The best man jumped on this claim. “And there’s a second witness, too!”
    The other innocent raised her hand. “Yeah, he was home sleeping. I heard him snoring over in his chair in the corner.”
    The couple had no choice but to drop the case in mystification and go home.
    The story could end there. It probably should end there. But it doesn’t.
    That night, after the program, the girls were driving around the community, most of them in the back of a pickup, when they passed the dummy, still woefully waving his legs out of the toilet bowl. Someone had a brilliant idea. “Girls! We should take that thing and put it in the back of the best man’s pickup!”
    Together, they loaded the toilet bowl, tank, and now-sodden legs of the dummy into the bed of the truck.
    It was nearing midnight as the pickup pulled into the yard of the best man’s family’s home. Amid much laughter, the deed was done. Unfortunately, the tailgate of his pickup fell off in the process. As three of the girls strove to return it to its place, the rest of the anxious watchers saw them suddenly duck down, as if hiding. When they raced back to the waiting truck, loud whispers ensued: “Hush! There’s a window open!” “Girls! It looked like there was something white at that window!”
    Quickly, the pickup was turned around and the group left as (quietly?) as they had come.
    A few years later, when the class girls held a mini reunion at the congregation, a toilet mysteriously appeared on the porch of the house where they were staying. I guess it’s true, what goes around comes around.
    Is it coincidence that this Q&A series has brought two dummy stories to light? You can decide.
 
What do you think about teaching a foreign language in our parochial schools? How much will the children retain? If they don’t put their hearts into it, will it be worth it?
—Foreign Language Guru
    This is an interesting question to think about. I believe I’ll have to take it piece by piece.
    What do I think about teaching a foreign language in our parochial schools? Well, since I support just about everything deemed remotely educational, I would say I think it’s a great idea! However, I understand there are some caveats to putting this into practical application. One of those would be that many of our teachers do not know a foreign language. Foreign language can be difficult to teach if one knows nothing about it. There is also a dearth of foreign-language curriculum available and approved for our schools, particularly for younger students.
    I’m not sure if you are thinking about teaching a foreign language as an extra subject, or if you are thinking more down the lines of “We’ll say five words each time we go into the classroom.” Because if you are thinking about adding an extra subject, many teachers, for sure those in three-grade-classrooms, barely have time for the subjects they already struggle to impart.
    Another thing to consider is that around 20% of children find memorizing extremely difficult. Foreign language, in its most simple form, is memorizing a bunch of random letters and sounds. Those who struggle to memorize things in their native language will find memorizing a foreign language that seems nonsensical extremely difficult! Fun fact here: Many colleges require students to study a foreign language. If you have an official diagnosis of something that makes memorizing difficult, such as dyslexia, most will accept American Sign Language as your foreign language because movements and pictures are easier to memorize than random sounds. ASL and BSL (British Sign Language) are enough different it is difficult to cross communicate using the two, unlike speakers of, for example, Spanish and Portuguese.
    How much will the children retain? That depends entirely on the individual. Like many of the things one learns in school, even your most brilliant child may forget some if they do not continue to practice. However, there would be the hope that like those pesky formulas and equations, if they get into “real life” and are put in a situation where they will use the language, it might come back to them easier and make them more enthused to understand and pursue it on their own.
    If they don’t put their hearts into it, will it be worth it? If the teacher is enthused, usually the students will be enthused. If they are struggling with enthusiasm, find ways to make it fun. Play a game or learn a song or poem with actions. Maybe learn new words by translating their favorite jokes and seeing if they are still funny!
    My opinion is that if teaching a language is something you are enthused about, it will be worth it in some way. The discipline of learning any new skill is a valid tool that can be used many ways in life. Learning a language may inspire a love for languages or a desire to explore other cultures that helps lands someone in the mission field one day. If you are hoping to see an immediate payoff, you might be disappointed, but I believe that expanding our children’s education by introducing a foreign language will certainly have benefits at some point.
    Veil Glück!
 
What is something you love to do?
—From the Bayou State
    How long do you have to listen?
    There are many things I love to do. I love to sing. I love visiting museums. I love heart-pounding moments in an escape room. I love lurking in lonely old graveyards reading tombstones from a hundred or two hundred years ago. I love quiet moments full of deep thoughts by an ocean or a river or a waterfall. I love to create things, whether an actual item or just words arranged on a page like they’ve not been arranged before. I love learning new, strange, and wonderful facts and going on little adventures, like visiting an abandoned house, or bigger adventures, like experiencing a new country. I love a good debate, as long as it stays friendly.
    But what I really love is learning about people. I like to watch them from afar. I like to listen to them nearby. I like to hear their stories and their humor and their hearts. Can I meet you at a coffee shop sometime?
 
What are some tips for communication?
—Reflecting in the Southwest
    This is a really hard one.
    I could give you all the textbook answers and right words, but that’s probably not what you want.
    The first two things that come to my mind in regards to communication are honesty and love.
    Now, this doesn’t mean we have to say something just because it is true (do a little research on those who believe in complete candor in radical honesty, literally just saying whatever thought comes to their mind). However, we do need to be willing to broach uncomfortable topics with our honest thoughts. The secret lies in doing so with love. What is the kindest, most compassionate way you can bring up the topic? How can you show that you are willing to change your opinion and are honestly interested and willing to hear the other side of the story? If you take self out of the equation and approach the situation through the perspective of being a sinner in need of a Savior, you will likely find yourself taking on a new softness and humility in your conversation.
    Not communicating can be, in many cases, even more hurtful than harsh communication. Avoidance of a topic can build walls where the parties involved try to make guesses at what the other one is thinking.
    Something I learned several years ago is that when my sister asked for my opinion, what she actually wanted many times was my approval. This realization has helped our communication tremendously! Now I know I need to ask her, “Do you want options for how you can do that, or do you want me to just say my opinion on what you’ve already done?”
    Many times I’ve sat in schoolboard meetings where the teachers and board members struggle to get on the same page. A few perceptive chairmen have asked, “Are you looking for answers, or are you just sharing what’s going on?” It’s a little frustrating to spend thirty minutes mulling over a problem when the teacher was just trying to give an update because that’s what’s expected.
    So I guess I would say part of good communication is asking questions and making sure you understand not only what was said, but the thought process behind it. This can be hard, because we are very given to making assumptions. We assume that other people’s brains are working in the same way as ours is. This is rarely the truth.
    Another thing I want to give a moment to is body language and tone.
    In a face-to-face interaction, Albert Mehrabian, a professor of psychology, indicates in his research that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is tone of voice, and only 7% is words.
    Whatever feelings you are harboring inside will probably show on the outside. Your words might have nothing wrong with them whatsoever, but the tone has implications that would make a grizzly bear turn tail and run. Or maybe you’re communicating with your child about something they’ve done wrong and you are out of patience. A firm tone is great, but what do they see when they look in your eyes? When someone comes to talk to you about a problem, do you fold your arms and take refuge behind a table or desk?
    We would do well to monitor ourselves in some of these areas. One place I struggle is when I’m deep in my thoughts or focusing on something else entirely and someone asks me a question. I am wont to give an abrupt, harsh-sounding answer. I’m not upset at them, only distracted, but it might sound like I am angry. My family has let me know I need some practice in this area.
    One of the most important things we have to do in communicating with others is something that often feels counterintuitive, and that is extend trust to them. Giving them the benefit of your trust means that you also give them the benefit of the doubt. We choose to believe what they told us. A lot of us women, for sure, tend to listen to someone’s words and mentally brush them off with excuses, such as “they were just being nice,” or “she’d never really say what she thought anyhow.” When we are projecting our thoughts and feelings on other people, our communication has little chance of success. Do your best to believe that they want good in the situation as much as you do. Approach the conversation with your only preconceived idea being that you are both on the same team.
    This is simplified, of course. I know there are complicated situations out there with a backlog of emotions that don’t have a clear-cut and simple answer. Our only recourse in those circumstances is to approach them with much prayer.
    Now, with all that being said, do as I say, not as I do. Communication has been a learning curve throughout my life that has lasted many years, and I don’t see it ending any time soon.
 
Why don’t you just become a columnist? Ask Annette instead of Ann Landers?
—From the Comment Section
    This is a most frightening suggestion I’ve seen in a while.
    I have read many columnists in my day—Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and Miss Manners to name a few. (Did you know Ann Landers and Dear Abby were identical twins?) Their answers have always intrigued me. But let me inform you of the reasons I could never be a advice columnist.
    The first one should be obvious: I can’t even figure out my own life, much less other people’s. Add to that, I don’t want to take the responsibility of giving advice that doesn’t turn out.
    Furthermore, I may have been heard deriding some of the advice given in said columns because I felt it was trying too hard to be culturally appropriate or people pleasing. That being said, it’s likely I would fall into the same pattern. And while I’m having fun answering all these questions, I’m pretty sure it would stop being fun if I had to do it year-round.
    Thank you for your vote of confidence, even if I do prefer to give opinions and theories rather than advice.
    And honestly? I think we have the most amazing base of people ready to give Godly advice right in our midst. You probably sat next to someone Sunday morning who could impart much gracious wisdom if you only asked.
 
I have enough questions left for another post or two. I have been highly entertained by all the questions. I mentioned to one friend that the questions people send in are certainly different than the ones I am used to getting from my third and fourth grade boys. Which, make no mistake, I enjoy both.
Thanks for reading!

Q&A Part II

 Here are more questions and answers. Read at your own risk.
 
How can we focus on others and not ourselves? How do we show love to anybody and everyone?
—Reflecting in the Southwest
    I do not have answers, just ideas and theories that I struggle to live out in real life. So if you want solid advice go ask someone else.
    My opinion is that we cannot show love to anybody and everyone without learning to focus on others rather than ourselves. But that very premise is entirely contrary to human nature. We are acutely aware of ourselves and our emotions and our own comfort. To be able to focus on someone else, we have to care more about their comfort than our own. It goes without saying this is only possible with the help of God, and even then we will have to contend with our humanness.
    However, all that being said, I think the best step you can take in learning to focus on others is learning to accept yourself and who you are in Christ. When I have accepted who I am, I become comfortable with my faults and with my abilities. I’m not spending time comparing myself with those around me. I’m not trying to live up to some standard in my head that I think will make me be “enough.”
    When I’ve truly accepted that I am not perfect and that God loves imperfect me just because He is God and God is Love, I am overwhelmed by His goodness. Because I am basking in His love rather than trying to earn His love, I find less room for judging others in my heart. I begin to understand that others, like myself, have been designed by the Creator with positive traits He wishes to use and negative traits He plans to refine for His glory.
    I’m sure someone will ask me, “What does that look like in practical, every-day life?”
    One time I was at a woman’s house for a meal. One of her dishes came out of the oven somewhat burnt. She never apologized to the guests, she just said, “It’s a little burnt. Feel free to scrape that part off if you want.” That impressed me immeasurably. Her complete humility and realness about the situation made everyone feel comfortable. No one felt the need to struggle trying to eat the burnt parts. No one was compelled to jump in with the near-white-lie of “Oh, it’s not too bad.” We felt comfortable around her table because she was comfortable with herself and her own abilities.
    Princess Diana was called “The People’s Princess” for a reason. It was because she had the ability to make others comfortable around her. If you look at pictures of her interacting with children and those who are ill, you will nearly always find her stooping down, her eyes looking into theirs. That’s what it looks like to make someone else comfortable.
    Sometimes it might mean getting down a child’s level. Sometimes it means sitting or stooping to be at eye level with someone in a wheelchair. It might mean wearing something a little different to make the visitor feel she fits in. Maybe it’s uncomfortable physically, maybe it makes you different from those around you, but you do it without a sense of embarrassment or making excuses because it makes things comfortable for them. By doing this, you are building a connection. Making someone else feel comfortable and connected is the best way of loving them.
    But like I said, that’s my opinion. There are likely many facets to loving others that have never crossed my mind.
 
Why do the parents of the bride have to carry the greater expense for a wedding in our North American culture?
—Wedding Wonderer
    Finally! A question I could do some research on and get solid answers for. Maybe.
    If we go back to Bible times, we discover bride price (Genesis 24, Genesis 29, Judges 1:14-15). In these scenarios, the groom was responsible for compensating the family of the girl he wished to marry for the loss of the work she did in the household. He was also often expected to give several valuable gifts to the bride herself.
    Historians tell us there is evidence of bridal dowry in ancient Babylon around the year 2300 BC. This type of dowry was things of worth or money the bride took with her to her new home to help compensate for the responsibility and cost the groom was taking on with his marriage. I’m not sure where the Biblical accounts fall in the timeline of world history, but it appears that with the Biblical references and the historical tradition, bride price and dowry were happening at the same time in different cultures.
    The answer to your question, then, is determined by where those cultures spread to. I don’t know much information about how the spread happened (anyone who can explain, feel free to drop me a message or leave a comment), but I will tell you what I do know.
    Dowry, as practiced in Babylon, was alive and well in Medieval Europe. This practice continued past the Dark Ages and into the Age of Discovery. Thus, when Europeans began moving to North America, this is the practice that came with them. In fact, the tradition of dowry did not fade out of American practice until the late 19^th and early 20^th centuries. It appears that the bride’s family paying for the wedding eventually became the modern dowry—a compensation for the financial burden now placed on the groom as he prepares a home and provides for the bride.
    The practice of bride price is also still alive in many countries such as Uganda, Zimbabwe, Kenya, Burkina Faso, India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh, as well as in many parts of Asia and the Pacific Islands.
    Many modern couples (according to Google) are choosing to split the wedding cost more evenly between the two families. Maybe that makes the most sense beings the world as a whole hasn’t come to an agreement as to whether the bride’s family deserves compensation because of the loss of labor or whether the groom deserves compensation for his new burden of responsibility.
    Or maybe it just makes things easy for everyone if we rely on tradition and don’t have to have awkward discussions about money.
 
Why are single women expected to give up their beds to company, but married people aren’t?
—Obliged to Entertain
Dear Obliged,
    I am sorry. If it’s any comfort, know that you are not alone in your distress. Apparently, single people the globe over feel they are burdened with the sacrifice of giving up their beds to married people. Do a quick internet search if you want to see all the reasons a single woman giving up her bed is considered more practical. There are many related to social expectation and how well-acquainted people staying in the same house are with one another.
    But my heart of hearts is telling me you don’t really want all those answers. You just want someone to hear your frustration. So here I am. I heard you. Maybe giving up your bed makes you feel like you don’t matter. Maybe it seems that, once again, those who are married are more respected. I’m not sure what the hurt is that comes with it. And then, on top of that, you probably start feeling awful about yourself since now you feel like a selfish person because you don’t want to give up your bed!
    My only advice is to buy yourself a bed with a single mattress. It’s a pretty safe bet no one will expect you to give it up to someone else. Or get a dog and train it to howl loudly all night unless it is allowed to sleep in the bed. That might do the trick as well.
 
What is your real opinion on Sean of the South?
—A Neighbor
    Well, I have never met the man in person as some of my friends have. I have never read a single one of his books. I read his daily column maybe 50% of the time, if I round up the average. So my opinion on Sean of the South is limited to say the least.
    Here is what I have gleaned from what I have read:
    First, he has overcome personal tragedy and managed to live a resilient life. I respect anyone who is able to do that.
    Second, I envy his ability to sprinkle bits of humor into his writing in the same way one of my co-teachers salted her food—that is to say liberally. And I admire it doubly because it makes the things he writes about often more palatable to his readers.
    Third, I think he works to stay as inoffensive as possible while being truthful about both what he believes and what he doesn’t understand. That’s a tricky line to walk and I admire his sense of balance.
    At the end of the day, Sean of the South is human with human problems.
    But then again, so am I.
 
Why does it look like life just turns out for some people and not for others, no matter how much they trust? I’m thinking about the girl who made good grades in school, wins at everything, is creative, and doesn’t even have to get a real job because she marries the boy she’s liked since schooldays, while some of us have to give up a lot of things we want, hold down a job when we’d much rather be keeping house, and have health issues or other problems to work through. Alone.
—Trying to Trust
    Oh, dear Trying, I’d like to give you a hug.
    Life can be disappointing sometimes. But are you ready for the truth? I’m not sure you’ll like it much. But then again, you knew when you asked that there weren’t any easy answers, no clear-cut direction, no solutions that would fix everything.
    One thing I want to say before I go any further is that I think the amount of trust we have is irrelevant to the situation. God has promised we need only have faith as a mustard seed. The matter of importance is where that faith is placed. And placing our faith in God is only half the story. We have to believe in the bigness of our God. We must recognize the love of our God. We have nothing to stand on unless we have complete conviction in His desire for our good.
    Who decides what “life turning out” really is? It’s easy to get caught up in believing that the traditional path—easy school years, fun youth life, getting married, having children, growing old with someone else—is the recipe for a life turning out, but I don’t think it’s that straight forward. I’ve heard enough married people who envy their single friends that I think things are a bit more complicated than they appear. Who’s to say that “turning out” isn’t a fulfilling career in education or traveling the world or maybe just inviting people over to your house for brunch?
    I believe what a life “turned out” looks like is something we each decide in our own hearts. It has to do with learning to submit to God’s plan for our lives, no matter what it is. It’s more to do with acceptance and less with expectation.
    Of course, we don’t like to be told we can’t have something. We want to make that choice ourselves. To submit to God’s plan is the ultimate laying down of our strong-willed nature. And we ridiculous humans (or at least me) are so often pathetically strong willed in all the wrong ways!
    Most of the amazing people I have learned to know in my life have overcome tremendous disappointments. Some are married and have children, but some are not. Many have suffered physical or mental health issues, deaths in their families, abusive relationships, or financial hardships. Sometimes it looks like they’ve suffered all of those things, yet they are the kindest, most positive, gentle people I know. They have come through the fire as gold. They have become the victor, not the victim. They have learned to be vulnerable enough to love those around them in spite of the danger of being hurt again and again.
    That’s not to say it’s easy. Being single isn’t easy, but neither is being married. I’ve observed enough to know that. You have too, I’m sure. If it’s any comfort to you, the beautiful, intelligent, creative girl who marries the boy she’s liked since schooldays will most certainly not always have everything perfect. The more we learn to know someone else’s heart, the more we come to understand that everyone meets challenging things in life at some point.
    I believe that, while God allows difficulties in our lives, He does not stand around handing them out to us needlessly. I also believe “rain falls on the just and the unjust.” Some things we will never know why He allowed, and we have to learn to be OK with that empty space of not knowing. Other things He allows because He knows it will lead us closer to Him if we can accept it. But that’s where the hard stuff comes in, in the laying down of our desires enough to allow ourselves to be drawn closer to God.
    It’s never done me any good to ask “Why?” when it comes to my life. I’m not sure if it’s ever done good for anyone. “Why?” is so often a question of confrontation. It’s suggesting to God that I would have made better choices than He has, that I would have come up with answers He hasn’t thought of. At it’s very root, “Why?” is, in essence, not completely trusting in His goodness.
    So often I find myself being like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. My Heavenly Father is trying to hold me close in His big, strong embrace, and there I am, kicking and screaming and struggling to beat the band. That’s not a pretty picture.
    As long as I’m struggling, I’m alienating the One who cares about me the most. Sometimes I hardly recognize I’m struggling at all. I think I’m submitted enough. I think I’m trusting enough. But then He reminds me of the way I worry or stress or take on cares that He doesn’t mean for me to bear, and I realize I’m straining just a little in His arms. I’m leaning away from He who will never let me be truly alone.
    This isn’t really an answer to your question, just a bunch of rambling thoughts that seemed connected somehow. I won’t pretend to know how you really feel about your life, where your trust is, or whether you’re submitted, but I do have confidence that you are committed to being a Christian, whatever that takes and regardless of what dreams you have to give up. I wish you many blessings.
 
Do you like sloths?
—A Reader
    OK, I really wish I knew who asked this one, but you showed up in the comment section as Anonymous on my last post, so I have no idea how much of the history you know here. This is a question fraught with many dangers. There is definitely not a simple yes or no answer.
    Before I proceed, let me say I don’t remember if I’ve ever seen a sloth in real life. It’s possible I’ve seen one at a zoo, but I honestly cannot remember.
    A number of years ago I became unreasonably fascinated with sloths. The same thing has happened in the past with camels as some of you may remember, but sloths were different. I researched them as much as I was able, and discovered that we had a lot in common. For example, sloths are highly misunderstood animals. In the early 2000’s, research finally began to be done on sloths in the wild rather than sloths in captivity. This new information showed that sloths in the wild only slept about ten hours a day, rather than the twenty hours suggested by earlier research on captive sloths.
    Misunderstood? I could identify with that. People who know me in different circumstances definitely get different sides of my personality. Also, sloths are rather solitary creatures. There are some who like to swim. They live in trees! It was my childhood dream to live in a house in a tree (probably after reading  Miss Twiggley’s Tree by Dorothea Warren Fox). And they are slow. So am I. I’ve never been one to whip around and get things done at a high rate of speed like some people I know. I appreciate that trait in others, but somehow I just can’t do it myself. I can also be a little slow at catching on to some of the most obvious things. And because I saw such a parallel for myself in this creature, I adopted it as my mascot.
    People who knew about this fascination started sending me sloth pictures and puns and gifting me items with sloths on them. But then it all fell apart.
    Sloths hit the mainstream. Suddenly they were absolutely everywhere—on children’s pajamas, tea towels, backpacks, fabric, and so on. I saw something about people who were renting sloths for birthday parties and other special occasions. I was horrified.
    Sloths were my own thing, my private quirk, and now I was suddenly just part of a crowd of sloth-followers.
    Maybe I would have been OK with it if people really knew about sloths, but this mainstream sloth crowd had no idea. For them, sloths were just a cutesy fun fad. They adored the lovable little images they saw on a pair of socks, but didn’t know the real-life version grew algae on its fur and supported its own mini ecosystem.
    I was thrown into a quandary. To stay committed to my sloth mascot meant being mistaken for one of the mainstream followers, and I’ve never loved fads. Or maybe I’m just proud. Whatever the case, it quickly became a problem for me. I could hardly keep liking sloths when everyone else did.
    And so I decided to just be quiet about liking sloths. I’m still interested in information about them. I would still like to meet one in person. But I’ve moved on to other interests, other things to research, other new favorites.
    There.
    You probably didn’t expect that long of an answer for such a simple question.
    You also understand at this point that when I asked someone, “Do you like sloths?” there was a lot more going on than just a simple question. Your answer might have made or broken a friendship.
    Just kidding.
    Maybe.
 
    I think I need to learn to be less wordy, but I’m having a lot of fun thinking and writing about the random topics you all have sent me, so thank you!
    I’m not at the end of my list of questions yet, and if you have another one for me you are still welcome to leave it in the comments or send it to me in a private message. Of course, if you’re getting bored with this format, that’s fine, too. I’m sure it’s not nearly as fun for you as it is for me.