Q&A Part VI

I never dreamed I’d be writing about this on my blog. It’s a topic that feels far too vulnerable for me to cover here. But there was so much interest in single life I started feeling a little obligated to at least try to write answers, which I shall attempt with the following question as an introduction. And the input! Everyone, single or not, seems to have a lot of opinions about being single and what one should or should not do or how one should feel. That being said, I tried my best to represent the majority of single girls, which is actually really hard because there’s a huge variety in personality and situation. I reached out to single girls across the conference to get input for this question because I did not think my experience alone was a suitable representation.

How can our congregations support our singles and help them have a good experience? Some of us are single in social situations because of different circumstances, like widowhood or our husbands just not coming around, but it seems that’s still a little different from what the singles face.
—Socially Single
 
It’s possible I need a couple paragraphs here to give some disclaimers. I feel like I need a lot of disclaimers, actually. One thing I’d like to say is that everything I’ll be talking about is from the viewpoint of single girls. I’m quite sure the male and female experience of single life has some similarities, but I think there are a lot of differences, too, so if you want the male version of this, you’ll have to go find someone to ask yourself. Another thing I'd like you to know (I hope this is OK to say) is that the person who sent this question in is not single. They are someone just genuinely wanting to know what singles face.
 
An important consideration is that we single girls know we have a part to play in making a place for ourselves in a congregation. We are aware that being comfortable in our own skin will help us to be comfortable in whatever situations we find ourselves in. We know it takes putting ourselves out and thinking beyond the selfish lifestyle it’s so easy for us to live. So please don’t think we’re sitting here begging for sympathy, because I don’t know any single girl anywhere that appreciates that. Empathy, maybe, but not pity. Pity is a degrading sentiment in this case that tends to make us feel we don’t measure up and have failed at life somehow. As one person said, “Please don’t make us feel like it’s our fault if we’re not married!” What we all need is reassurance from our community that we are accepted and loved just like we are. I do not want this in any way to sound like whining. I don’t know that I can tell you how to support us, but I can tell you a few of the things that are difficult for us, and maybe that will give you some ideas.
 
“Do single girls even want to get married? They have so much freedom to go and do exciting things, after all!” It’s crazy how much I’ve heard this sentiment. I can’t answer that question for every person specifically, but marriage is a God-given desire that most of us will admit to when we’re being honest. There are times in our lives we might not feel open to it, and many of us probably have a lot of fears built up, but there is a place of vulnerability where we strive to live in the space between that desire and the acceptance of the reality where God is helping us to walk without becoming jaded. That being said, don’t assume you know where the single girls in your lives are on this question.
 
There were two things that nearly every girl I talked to mentioned. The first one probably won’t be a shock, but the second one? Even though I knew it for myself, I was still surprised that all the other girls felt the same way.
 
Every woman I talked to mentioned seating at social functions—In particular meals, such as potlucks or wedding receptions. One friend talked about our Mennonite tradition of seating couples so the men are together and the women are together. Well, when a single girl comes along, she messes up the neat little system, and the ushers don’t seem to know what to do with her. I’ve heard all sorts of experiences, and I’ve had some myself. What we wish for is just to be seated along with everyone else without feeling like our existence has completely derailed the grand seating scheme.
 
One option seems to be for the usher to send the single girl to the youth table, the children’s table, or just some out of the way place. I’ve actually seen this happen even when a couple has specifically asked a single girl to come eat with them—the usher will still send the single girl away somewhere else. Some girls ignore the usher (which feels disrespectful) and some meekly follow his directions (which is a disappointment). While we girls all understand the reasoning, it’s very frustrating that following the system makes us feel like we don’t have a place. It’s so neat when the couple speaks up and says, “Oh, just come sit here with us!” If memory serves, I believe I once saw a couple follow the girl over to where she was directed to sit.
 
I’m not sure who needs to hear this, but single girls are not actually scary people! I’ve heard “social singles,” widows, and single girls all complain about how they are avoided at social functions. I don’t know how many times we sit down at a table with several empty chairs at the end and see couples glance at the empty spaces then choose to go start sitting at a new table. One time I was with a couple other single girls and we somehow managed to all sit on the same side of a long row of Lifetime tables, about in the middle. The other side of the table filled up, but the three seats across from us stayed conspicuously empty. This is not an example of support. We do not have a disease. You will not catch singlehood from us.
 
That being said, one congregation where I lived for a while did a wonderful job of completely accepting the single girls into their midst and mixing with them just like they would with anyone else. That is a gift we girls appreciate a lot. We also really love it when someone asks us to step into line with them. I heard that from my single friends consistently. Yes, we know we should be brave enough to just barge in, and sometimes we do, but in a culture where couples are the normal thing, it does just make it a little easier somehow to be asked along.
 
One major part we girls can play in the seating is to not feel bound to what seems to be our social group. Just because it’s easy doesn’t mean I should just sit with other singles at every social event. Maybe that goes for everyone, though. Perhaps we’d all be better off to mix with different social groups and not feel like we need to sit with a certain group of peers.
 
I also got a question specifically about seating in the sanctuary when couples are seated together. After talking to all my single friends, I think the answer to that is probably similar to seating at potlucks. We want to just be included with everyone else and not made to feel awkward. I know, I know. No one else can make us feel a certain way without our consent, but it can be tough to constantly be fighting those feelings. And it definitely is worse when we can tell someone is hesitant to seat us.
 
I’m sure there’s a lot that could be said about seating, but I feel like you probably are getting the drift. The second thing that I heard again and again from my single friends has a bit to do with seating, but it’s down a little different line.
 
Please don’t segregate us.
 
It’s really easy for us to live our lives completely surrounded by our female friends. And don’t misunderstand—we absolutely love them—but when we are only with other women, our worlds tend to get quite small and narrow-minded.
We appreciate the viewpoints and input from the men around us. We know that on our own our thought processes are not well-rounded. And as some of the girls pointed out, we don’t even have to be involved in the conversation—we are happy just to listen in.
 
Maybe you aren’t sure what I mean about being segregated. Well, we all know the drill. Maybe we are together for Sunday dinner. At the table, the conversation moves nicely and everyone can be involved. (This is assuming the single girl didn’t get stuck in the other room with the children. Yes, I really do know of situations where that has happened.) But then the host pushes back his chair and says, “Well, I think it’s about time to go find a more comfortable chair.” The men disperse to the living room, and the women clean up the kitchen then return to chairs around the table to continue visiting. I understand there often isn’t room for everyone in the living room, but this is just an example of how easily we  can tend to orbit in a female-only sphere.
 
Also, the aforementioned sequencing of couples at the potluck table can also lend to a type of segregation. Someone mentioned this is probably a cultural thing to a degree, and I’m sure it’s so. I’m not here with answers on how to change it. I don’t know that we need to change it, but I’m just trying to answer the question at the top of the page, and this is something that definitely did get brought up in all my questioning.
 
This is going to sound contrary to what I just wrote, but a lot of single girls find Bible Study difficult. Again, it is so considerate when someone says, “Hey, come with me.” Otherwise, the men number off, the wives go with their husbands, and the single girls stand around trying to figure out if they have a place. When they’ve finally decided on a class, there is once again the dreaded seating issue to resolve. Finally, the discussion starts. Now, I’ve actually talked in Bible Study a couple times, but mostly I just chicken out. I’ve talked about this with my single friends, and I’m not sure I can explain why it’s difficult for us to talk in a mixed group like that, but I can tell you assuredly that many other single girls feel the same way. And as you get out of Bible Study what you put into it? Well, it takes a bit for us to learn how to navigate. Again, I don’t know that anything needs to change—but maybe just be aware that the single girls in your congregation possibly find Bible Study a little awkward.
 
Oh! Don’t let me forget to mention The Brethren’s Chat. Many congregations have the congregational chat, the women’s chat, and the men’s chat. This is all as it should be and very logical. Usually, there are no issues at all with the arrangement. But every once in a while, something gets put on the men’s chat that would be nice for us girls to know about as well. For example, as a teacher I’ve sometimes planned on working at school on Saturday. As I’m trying to study out lessons for the next week, suddenly fifteen men show up for a workday I knew nothing about. I would have rearranged my day if I’d known, but of course, I had no way of finding out. There have been occasions where some kind schoolboard member has messaged to let us know, and we appreciate that. But what about the “social singles,” the widows, and the single girls who aren’t teachers? How do they find out about the special offerings, for example?
 
Similarly, I know of one congregation where the offering basket is never passed on the women’s side of the church. Many congregations have located mailboxes, libraries, and tithe slots on the men’s side of the building. This is obviously not a big deal and I know that it makes sense with how the building is designed. It’s just that on Sunday it can be a little difficult to reach these things unless one works up the courage to wade through a large, intimidating group of men.
 
I’ve heard single girls talk about the fact that someone is fifteen years younger than they are, but because the younger woman is married, her ideas automatically hold more weight. It’s not that single girls feel like their ideas are the way to go, it’s more about feeling like people value them.
 
Different facets of life are difficult for different girls. I’ve heard from those who say weddings are hard. (Dear Minister, please don’t feel obligated to say some platitude to the singles in attendance. Often it just makes us feel worse.) For others, bridal showers and baby showers feel awkward. For some, none of those things are difficult at all. Please get to know the single girls in your congregation. Have us over in the evening. We are happy just to hang out with your family. We’ll be glad to fold towels or do your dishes and play with your children. For those of us who live alone, evenings can get long and lonely. The best way you can support us is by getting to know who we really are. But there! That’s what everyone longs for, isn’t it? We are all just humans together.
 
A big Thank You to the women who share their husbands with us! Those of you who are OK with it if we come over to your place and sit in the living room asking your husband for advice. Those of you who are all right with us asking your husband to help us fix something around the house that we have no idea how to deal with.
 
And a big Thank You to the men who do these things, as well. Most of us girls are trying really hard to be independent because we don’t have a choice. It’s so hard for us to ask for help, but when we finally work up the nerve and you so graciously step in and help without seeming to begrudge the time and effort? It means the world to us.
 
And I cannot express enough the thankfulness we all feel for the couples who see our needs and offer assistance without us even having to ask.
 
Please don’t feel bad if you read something here and said, “Oops! I’ve done that!” Not one of the single girls I know is holding anything against anyone. Life has complicated situations sometimes that are hard to figure out, and we’re all aware of that. And if you happen to know me personally, please don’t think you need to start making a bunch of changes. I certainly don’t expect that of anyone.
 
I’ve said it here before and I’ll say it again: At the end of the day, being single has its set of problems, but so does being married. I think that we all would do well, whether married or single, to check in with each other a little more frequently and get to know each other’s heartbeat. It’s that true heart connection that will lead to a vibrant congregation, after all.
 
Bonus Question:
Is it ever appropriate for a young lady to ask a young man how much money he makes?
—From the Lone Star State
 
No! What a horrifying idea. Completely outside the realm of good manners.
 
To those of you who know: I will stand my ground on this ‘til my dying day: It never happened. (Look up the Mandela Effect.) There are rumors and misconstrued truths, but I remember that evening with perfect clarity. For example, I know the person sitting beside me ordered a spinach quesadilla, and I rarely pay much attention to food. It’s possible money was alluded to, but I’ve never been mercenary. I can barely figure out how much I make, much less ask someone else about their earnings. It’s been almost twelve years. Isn’t it time to move on to something else? This is surely about as worn out as the brownie joke.
 
But I did just read an article the other day that stated talking about how much we earn is no longer considered a taboo subject among younger age groups, so maybe, on the off chance such a conversation actually occurred, I was just ahead of my time.
 
I’m sure you all have a lot of thoughts about being single. Feel free to leave them below. If you have more questions about single life, just ask your resident singles. They might not agree with what I've written here, and that's OK. They probably are wiser than I am in these matters, anyhow.

In the meantime, this is the end. The very last question of this series. Maybe someday Q&A will come back, but for now it has retired. Although that doesn’t mean you can’t just message me any time with random questions. I love having new and interesting things to think about, even if I don’t have answers.