I Wish I Had Known

Whatever situation you are in, whatever emotions you are experiencing, I want you to know it is OK to feel. Don't wait to figure it out until you have walls built up and painful things buried. Take a step, trust someone, even if you are afraid. Falling apart is sometimes the only way for things to come together.

I wish I had known many things when I was younger, but most of all I wish I had known it was OK to cry.

It wasn't that I grew up surrounded by tearless family. Far from it. My mother and her sisters were the brunt of many jokes about crying over tiny, insignificant things. But I didn't know it was OK to cry. I thought it was weakness, and I couldn't afford to be weak.

I wish I had known it was OK to be weak.

It certainly wasn't that I grew up feeling strong. Quite the opposite. I often felt like a lone sailor, precariously riding the swells of the ocean in a flimsy lifeboat, panicking that things were out of my control. But I didn't know that it was OK to be weak. I thought weakness was the same as fear, and I didn't believe it was acceptable to fear.

I wish I had known it was OK to fear.

It wasn't that I grew up fearless. I was very familiar with fear in my stomach, the tightness, the dull heavy feeling it gave. But I didn't know it was OK to be afraid, and so I didn't tell anyone that I was scared, and tried to stuff the feelings out of sight behind a mask. To show fear was to be vulnerable, and vulnerable people did not survive.

I wish I had known it was OK to be vulnerable.

I didn't grow up in an era that knew a lot about being vulnerable, so maybe it's not really my fault I didn't understand. I thought vulnerability was weakness and fear combined. That being vulnerable meant giving up and being walked on. I didn't know that vulnerability is more about love, loving not only others, but also yourself.

I wish I had known it was OK to love.

I definitely grew up in a family that was big on love. But I thought love was just gross, mushy kisses and rib-cracking hugs, and embarrassing moments, and I wasn't too big on that. I didn't recognize that love was so much bigger. I had no idea that love was more than giving hugs. It was also learning how to accept them.

I wish I had known it was OK to hug.

People around me seemed to think it was. But I was terrified of hugs. It was love and fear and vulnerability all rolled into one. And so I squirmed out and away, tried to be independent, decided I could make it on my own. Besides, the feeling I got when I was hugged was a funny feeling I wasn't used to. It made me want to cry.

I wish I had known many things when I was younger, but most of all I wish I had known it was OK to cry.