Thursday, April 27, 2023

I Wish I Had Known

Whatever situation you are in, whatever emotions you are experiencing, I want you to know it is OK to feel. Don't wait to figure it out until you have walls built up and painful things buried. Take a step, trust someone, even if you are afraid. Falling apart is sometimes the only way for things to come together.

I wish I had known many things when I was younger, but most of all I wish I had known it was OK to cry.

It wasn't that I grew up surrounded by tearless family. Far from it. My mother and her sisters were the brunt of many jokes about crying over tiny, insignificant things. But I didn't know it was OK to cry. I thought it was weakness, and I couldn't afford to be weak.

I wish I had known it was OK to be weak.

It certainly wasn't that I grew up feeling strong. Quite the opposite. I often felt like a lone sailor, precariously riding the swells of the ocean in a flimsy lifeboat, panicking that things were out of my control. But I didn't know that it was OK to be weak. I thought weakness was the same as fear, and I didn't believe it was acceptable to fear.

I wish I had known it was OK to fear.

It wasn't that I grew up fearless. I was very familiar with fear in my stomach, the tightness, the dull heavy feeling it gave. But I didn't know it was OK to be afraid, and so I didn't tell anyone that I was scared, and tried to stuff the feelings out of sight behind a mask. To show fear was to be vulnerable, and vulnerable people did not survive.

I wish I had known it was OK to be vulnerable.

I didn't grow up in an era that knew a lot about being vulnerable, so maybe it's not really my fault I didn't understand. I thought vulnerability was weakness and fear combined. That being vulnerable meant giving up and being walked on. I didn't know that vulnerability is more about love, loving not only others, but also yourself.

I wish I had known it was OK to love.

I definitely grew up in a family that was big on love. But I thought love was just gross, mushy kisses and rib-cracking hugs, and embarrassing moments, and I wasn't too big on that. I didn't recognize that love was so much bigger. I had no idea that love was more than giving hugs. It was also learning how to accept them.

I wish I had known it was OK to hug.

People around me seemed to think it was. But I was terrified of hugs. It was love and fear and vulnerability all rolled into one. And so I squirmed out and away, tried to be independent, decided I could make it on my own. Besides, the feeling I got when I was hugged was a funny feeling I wasn't used to. It made me want to cry.

I wish I had known many things when I was younger, but most of all I wish I had known it was OK to cry.

13 comments:

  1. ❤️...but NOW you know it's OK and you are an amazing person! I want to give you a hug now! My eyes feel moist...

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  2. But now we know?🥰 🫂 🤍

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  3. So true: I wish I had known too!

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  4. You don’t know what you don’t know. But now you know and you tell others too, which is the very best thing! Keep Calm and Cry On! Love you! Sharon F.

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  5. But now we know! Yet it's still hard to be vulnerable when it comes to those things! But now we know.... Now we know... Love you, Anna Marie

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  6. So sorry that you didn't know! I didn't know either. Let's keep growing!🥰 Aunt Charlotte

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  7. Love your inspiration! God bless you!!

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